WHOOOO CHHIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLE...YOURE NOT GONNA BELIEVE IT

MY PEOPLE MY PEOPLE...not that anyone still reads this anymore. But if you have read this blog over the years you know that this what my free space to write and express my feelings as I recover from a traumatic event that happened in 2004. Now if you read my last post you will see that I was feeling conflicted..still. Praying to God for some answers. Well GOD ANSWERED MY PRAYERS. IN JANUARY I LEARNED THE IDENTITY OF THE MAN WHO ATTACKED ME AND ON MARCH 20TH HE WAS IN JAIL. JAIL. JAIL! I have never been so glad to hear about a young black man being incarcerated. Oh let me just take this time to say THANK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU JESUS. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!

I AM AT A POINT IN MY LIFE WHERE I HAVE COME TO AN END OF THINGS. I HAVE NO MORE MONEY, NO JOB, FEW FRIENDS, BUT I AM HAPPY! SO HAPPY. SOMETIMES I START FEELING ANXIOUS AND HOPELESS AND DEPRESSED BUT THEN I GO THROUGH THE LIST OF THINGS THAT ARE WRONG AND WHEN MY MIND PROCESSES WHAT GOD HAS DONE!! WHOO WHOOO WHOOOP I JUST HAVE TO SMILE LIKE A FOOL!

Ooooh Booooyyyyyyyyy

Well my 30th Birthday has come and gone. I am such a ball of emotions that I could not help but come here to try to write. im reading my old post which was and at the bottom is a goals by 30 list. OHHH BOOOYYY.. well lets see I have achieved a couple of things on that list. But it made me feel so guilty to think of the things I have not. I am going to start with the positive though. I have improved my credit. I wrote letters to the companies that were on my credit reports and cleared up some errors, settled some accounts and paid others off. I have been making small charges monthly on my credit card and paying it in full at the end of the month. Something like 40$ for gas or a 36 membership fee. So i did good with that and Im proud of myself. I even had to go to court to fight one company that was trying to sue me. And I won! What else I have moved I have a lovely apartment in the.... upper upper west side of Manhattan lol. I painted it beautiful colors. The bathroom ( where im at right now writing this. escaping my girlfriend who started distracting me as soon as I started writing the first sentence. I was mean I told her she was the devil...or that he is using her. lol thats mean but thats how I felt. Besides being high, depressed, scared, numb, and busy I have been distracted when it comes to focusing on me and the core of my feelings. I blame her in a way but I know I have a habit of blaming people for my own shortcomings..ie laziness so I dont put to much on it. But its true. I havent been able to think for myself for a long time. the thing is I remember saying that i tend to think in terms of two and that was the problem with being alone. But its still true. I still feel that I think about us as a couple more than she does but anyway..I digress... the bathroom is silver. the living room is orange and yellow the bedroom is pink. i love it. i bought green paint for the hallway and blue for the kitchen but i never got around to doing it. I also have some chalkboard paint I never used. and its November still didnt make that calendar....im a bumb. okay so the things that I didnt do: I didnt have a baby. I have been a slightly better sister, aunt, and daughter but my family is a whole nother story. Every time I get close they give me a reason not to trust them. i am not in a phd program. I took the gre one time i got a G which is decent but not good enough in my book. I want to go to widener to get that phd in sexual education. but i wonder what im going to do with that. if i want to open a house for victims of sexual abuse. maybe i should start looking into that. I also want to buy a house. i need somewhere to live. cant keep wasting my money on this rent. i still want a phd though. i just feel like I have to have it or i need some type of terminal degree cuz what i have here aint good enough. there was someone saying never give into the fear on tv today. i wonder sometimes if i should move back to georgia. it seems like a good idea sometimes but then again considering the whole stalking thing. lord i wish i could get some answers on that one. i mean i left the first time. came back and look what happened. would i be stupid to do the same thing again or would i be determined. sometimes i wish God could just talk to me.

Hello

Hello Blogger,

I think Im going to start doing this again. It was good to get it out. Anyway. I have just spent the first night in my new apartment. Ohh Thank You Jesus! People you just dont know how GOOOOOOOOOOOOD God has been to me!!!!! But I digress. I just spent the first night in my new apartment... alone. It was a little hard. I couldnt sleep until 5 am. But I feel safe here. Just have to keep reminding myself of that. My life has changed dramatically over the last 2 or 3 months. Im in shock but I should be elated. I have moments when I do feel that way and I just have to look forward to more of those moments. Focus on the good. And there is a whole lot. The possibilities are endless. The things I have an opportunity to do! I am a little sad though because I feel like I have no one to share this happy time with. Of course there is my wifey but since I moved out we are breaking up. And there are certain things that we dont have in common. Certain things are enjoyed best with other people.

Its M y Birthday

Hello blog,

Its been along time. I havent been writing alot at all. I usually write here or in my journal but ever since the lawyers in georgia subpeonaed all my diaries I just dont feel comfortable writing. Anyway Today October 16th is my 29th birthday! Yes Im getting up there. My heart starts beating fast everytime I think of it. Hmm the status of my life is weird. Alot of good things have happened but somehow I still feel like its not enough. This year I changed jobs. I quit the hell hole that I spent 5 years at and moved to another agency that I have always wanted to work for. I have less hours, more pay and Im a boss! yeah! I bought a new car. A 2007! Thank You JESUS because considering my credit and finances that was a gift straight from the Lord! I moved again. Although I loved my new spot (See blog from 2006 April) I outgrew it, and there was some drama. Okay so where do I live...lol thats when the sighing starts. Remember the thug or thuggette as some of my friends called her. Well yeah I live with her. We are still together. October 29th will make one year! I officially gave up my keys to my place in Brooklyn on October 14th. I think we are doing great for lesbians! This shoulda happened during week 2! So yeah I live with my boo. Im happy about it a little because I have a relationship that I am mostly happy in and we live together ! this is huge for me! The down side is that I am a very independent, moody, stingy, scornful person. Part of me feels like I should have my own place at this age. On the other hand I dont like living alone anymore. Part of me feels like Im not a lesbian. Like I dont neccessarily want a man well maybe for sex every now and then but nothing more. Its just when I think about being 40 and having a girlfriend and living together and having Kids?? It just doesnt seem right. Honestly what seems most feasable is tohave both. A husband and a girlfriend. doubt if that will happen either. Anyway I digress. I dont know how long things are going to last withthe thuggette. Living together might break us up. She is much more uptight than I am and I deeply despise uptightness. She probably deeply despises laidbackness. But this is temporary.
Anywah Im tryig to whittle my life down. I have been carrying alot of extra baggage physically and emotionally. Im starting with the physical. I threw away alot of stuff when I was moving. If I havent used it in 6 months I dont need it.
My Goals by 30

1. Go to Costa Rica
2. Be in a Ph.D program
3. Baby?
4. Improve my credit
5. Move
6. Lose 20-40 pounds
7. Back off of my addictions.
8. Be a better friend, sister, aunt,daughter.
9. Get pretty again
10.Find a church

Okay

Hola,

I am leving for Georgia tommorrow. I am going to make my depostion with the lawyers for the apartment complex. I am feeling much better about the situation. I spoke to Big Daddy. I wanted him to come to the hotel and stay with me because I thought I would be scared and anxious. He baisically told me that I need to make this depostion for myself. That not doing it would be like saying it was okay. He said that God does not give us any more than we can handle and that I just need to go in there and tell my story and leave. He was so right. Really I dont even need him to come to the hotel again. I think I will be alright.

Its that time of year again

Hello blog,
Its that time of year again. The anniversary of my rape. April 26th 2004. Okay so this year is interesting. Although I have been wrapped up in my new found love affair the creeepy crawleeys have still found a way to creep into my mind. Mostly Ive just been feeling sad and angry and shocked by the major change this still is making in my life. I am feeling unproductive as yet another year goes by and Ihave not returned to school. This year is interesting though in that Sayso The sexual assault yearly speak out is happening onthe 20th of the month. on the 21st there is this workshop at the Marriott marquis that I think im gonna go to. Its for survivors but its more like a free spa day. then the next day I am leaving for atlanta to go make my deposition for my case against the apartment complex. I return on monday then the anniversary is that wednesday. Im thinking of taking off of work. But I dont know what I want to do. So I am asking myself what do I want to dothis year and ..cry is the only thing I can think of. Really I dont know how i want to spend it. I dont really want to be with my girlfriend because I know Im going to feel like I am wasting my life away and missing important moments wrapped up in my lesbian love cloud. And she has a way of minimizing or simplifying your problems...like men do. I have to think about that one. What do I want to do this year. Hmm lets think .Last year I did the speak out with my kids. I read my story. I took some days off of work. I stayed home and my car broke down. I was feeling desperate and I called alexis. That one booty call stressed my life out for about 3 more months...(check the old blog entries youll see!) I smoked a lot and drank alot. So this year I may not take all that time off. And this year I wont be getting paid if i take those days off so umm....But i do want something. maybe the wednesday thursday friday and saturday. See now if Robin hears this she will want to goout of town. Now my struggle is do I want to spend the special days I negotiate with my boss away with Robin? I mean there is nothing wrong with her but what are we going to do there that we cant do here? And again this is my special time. Going away would be great but I dont know if I would be up for all the gay antics..acting like the bubbly femme-wifey. I think I would like to have a party. A shes back party. I dont know who I would envite. The people who have supported me over the years. Hmm. most of them live out of NY. That leads me to another issue Ive been having. My friends. I really need to examine the way that I present myself. I realize Ihave a lot of friends that no one else likes. Someone is always saying to me about some one of my friends.. I dont know how you put up with that mess! And Im always like... Hmm I dont know it doesnt bother me! Why why is that? Recently I would say over the last 3 months I have seen the jealous, hating, miserable side of some of the people I consider closest to me. No you know what it is. Most of my friends have a similar charachteristic.. attention seeking behavior. These behaviors stem from a need to feel better than every and anyone. This plays out in different ways. Some of my friends are very competitive.. If someone else gets something they have to get one too...and a better one at that! Others are very jealous or they compare a lot.. Why did my boss say goodmorning to him and just morning to me? Why were you able to find some crack heads to push your car to the side of the road when It broke down.. I woulda had to call triple A! Then theyre are the ones...most amusing of all. who just plain cut you off when you are talking about anything good..in reference to yourself. Theyre are too many people around me who act like this. What is it about me that says its okay to be mean. I dont mind. Like I definaely noticed these charachtertraits in these people before they turned them on me. But I guess my (AND THEIRS) thinking was along the lines of aww I dont have anything to be jealous of anyway. And it was true.. because if i look at these freinds..I am one of very few close female friends they have. If I say few I mean one of two maybe. Ive watched them be phased out and phase friends out themselves because of some trivial reason that really boils down to...I cant top you! I was aware of all the little ways these people liked to do and say things to make themselves feel like they were doing better than me. I didnt object. I didnt care. Everyone was doing better than me. But now that I am making some strides for myself it is really hurting me to see these people act a fool. And when I say making strides I mean small changes in my personal life to make myself feel happier. Im not talking about buying anew house or car or losing 100 pounds. Im talking about finding a new job..that still has me living on the poverty line. My old job SUCKED it gave me high blood pressure, kids were stealing from me, the company was stealing from me, I was underpaid, Ihad no benefits, I worked 45 hours a week and got paid for 40. I worked there for 5 years. Do you know when I quit and God blessed me with my new job which does pay more but not more than any of my friends make... at least 3 of my "friends" showed their jealous, ugly, evil, green, fat asses! All in different ways! Why? really? Why cant you be happy for me. Its ME! My life was mush! Be happy! Let me have this little bit of joy. But Im learning thorough all of this. Maybe this same dynamic that is played out with my friends is played out with my relationship's. Maybe I willingly place myself at the disposal of people that promise to use, and abuse me. Then when it happens I act like it doesn't matter because after all... I did know this about the person. But after a day or two, when It really sinks in, I am crushed. I think I look for the challenge of getting the evil person to be nice to me. And I also need to face the fact that an evil persons niceness is never going to be as nice as a nice persons niceness. Ugh..

My addictions

Hello,

I am at work. There is 8 minutes until I get off but undoubtedly the white chick who relieves me will be late. I dont know why I call her the white chick. She is not especially white. Like her whiteness does not stand out or anything. I am sleepy. I get delerious when I am sleepy. Lets see. My addictions. Today is Saturday morning. I have been here since last thursday I think. When I say here I mean at Robins house. Hmm so yeah I am addicted to her. I used to tell myself that I am staying there because Its more convienent, my place ennoys me, she spoils me, lots of reasons. But more and more I have to admitt that it her Im addicted to. I dont know if its the whole idea of being in a relationship, being in love, being open, being pampered or if it they way she smells, the dip in her upper lip, her fluffy kinks, the firm softness of her thighs, but im hooked. Other addictions I am noticing and some are making me quite uncomfortable:
marijuana- duh
orgasms- mostly by vibrator, i realize feeling horny, like that tension, is uncomfortable for me.
I feel like I should do something about it..right away.
craigslist- i check it like 100 time a day..tell me why?
vaseline- "im melting, im melting!"
soda- coke, pepsi, orange, gingerale, I got to have at least 2 a day.
Thats about it. Those are the things that I cant go one day with out. And if it so happens that I must do with out it......oooh boy its not gonna be pretty!