meofbeauty

WHOOOO CHHIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLE...YOURE NOT GONNA BELIEVE IT

2009-05-23T18:42:00.000-07:00

MY PEOPLE MY PEOPLE...not that anyone still reads this anymore. But if you have read this blog over the years you know that this what my free space to write and express my feelings as I recover from a traumatic event that happened in 2004. Now if you read my last post you will see that I was feeling conflicted..still. Praying to God for some answers. Well GOD ANSWERED MY PRAYERS. IN JANUARY I LEARNED THE IDENTITY OF THE MAN WHO ATTACKED ME AND ON MARCH 20TH HE WAS IN JAIL. JAIL. JAIL! I have never been so glad to hear about a young black man being incarcerated. Oh let me just take this time to say THANK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU JESUS. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!

I AM AT A POINT IN MY LIFE WHERE I HAVE COME TO AN END OF THINGS. I HAVE NO MORE MONEY, NO JOB, FEW FRIENDS, BUT I AM HAPPY! SO HAPPY. SOMETIMES I START FEELING ANXIOUS AND HOPELESS AND DEPRESSED BUT THEN I GO THROUGH THE LIST OF THINGS THAT ARE WRONG AND WHEN MY MIND PROCESSES WHAT GOD HAS DONE!! WHOO WHOOO WHOOOP I JUST HAVE TO SMILE LIKE A FOOL!

Ooooh Booooyyyyyyyyy

2008-11-18T16:07:00.000-08:00

Well my 30th Birthday has come and gone. I am such a ball of emotions that I could not help but come here to try to write. im reading my old post which was and at the bottom is a goals by 30 list. OHHH BOOOYYY.. well lets see I have achieved a couple of things on that list. But it made me feel so guilty to think of the things I have not. I am going to start with the positive though. I have improved my credit. I wrote letters to the companies that were on my credit reports and cleared up some errors, settled some accounts and paid others off. I have been making small charges monthly on my credit card and paying it in full at the end of the month. Something like 40$ for gas or a 36 membership fee. So i did good with that and Im proud of myself. I even had to go to court to fight one company that was trying to sue me. And I won! What else I have moved I have a lovely apartment in the.... upper upper west side of Manhattan lol. I painted it beautiful colors. The bathroom ( where im at right now writing this. escaping my girlfriend who started distracting me as soon as I started writing the first sentence. I was mean I told her she was the devil...or that he is using her. lol thats mean but thats how I felt. Besides being high, depressed, scared, numb, and busy I have been distracted when it comes to focusing on me and the core of my feelings. I blame her in a way but I know I have a habit of blaming people for my own shortcomings..ie laziness so I dont put to much on it. But its true. I havent been able to think for myself for a long time. the thing is I remember saying that i tend to think in terms of two and that was the problem with being alone. But its still true. I still feel that I think about us as a couple more than she does but anyway..I digress... the bathroom is silver. the living room is orange and yellow the bedroom is pink. i love it. i bought green paint for the hallway and blue for the kitchen but i never got around to doing it. I also have some chalkboard paint I never used. and its November still didnt make that calendar....im a bumb. okay so the things that I didnt do: I didnt have a baby. I have been a slightly better sister, aunt, and daughter but my family is a whole nother story. Every time I get close they give me a reason not to trust them. i am not in a phd program. I took the gre one time i got a G which is decent but not good enough in my book. I want to go to widener to get that phd in sexual education. but i wonder what im going to do with that. if i want to open a house for victims of sexual abuse. maybe i should start looking into that. I also want to buy a house. i need somewhere to live. cant keep wasting my money on this rent. i still want a phd though. i just feel like I have to have it or i need some type of terminal degree cuz what i have here aint good enough. there was someone saying never give into the fear on tv today. i wonder sometimes if i should move back to georgia. it seems like a good idea sometimes but then again considering the whole stalking thing. lord i wish i could get some answers on that one. i mean i left the first time. came back and look what happened. would i be stupid to do the same thing again or would i be determined. sometimes i wish God could just talk to me.

Hello

2008-05-02T07:36:00.000-07:00

Hello Blogger,

I think Im going to start doing this again. It was good to get it out. Anyway. I have just spent the first night in my new apartment. Ohh Thank You Jesus! People you just dont know how GOOOOOOOOOOOOD God has been to me!!!!! But I digress. I just spent the first night in my new apartment... alone. It was a little hard. I couldnt sleep until 5 am. But I feel safe here. Just have to keep reminding myself of that. My life has changed dramatically over the last 2 or 3 months. Im in shock but I should be elated. I have moments when I do feel that way and I just have to look forward to more of those moments. Focus on the good. And there is a whole lot. The possibilities are endless. The things I have an opportunity to do! I am a little sad though because I feel like I have no one to share this happy time with. Of course there is my wifey but since I moved out we are breaking up. And there are certain things that we dont have in common. Certain things are enjoyed best with other people.

Its M y Birthday

2007-10-16T01:38:00.000-07:00

Hello blog,

Its been along time. I havent been writing alot at all. I usually write here or in my journal but ever since the lawyers in georgia subpeonaed all my diaries I just dont feel comfortable writing. Anyway Today October 16th is my 29th birthday! Yes Im getting up there. My heart starts beating fast everytime I think of it. Hmm the status of my life is weird. Alot of good things have happened but somehow I still feel like its not enough. This year I changed jobs. I quit the hell hole that I spent 5 years at and moved to another agency that I have always wanted to work for. I have less hours, more pay and Im a boss! yeah! I bought a new car. A 2007! Thank You JESUS because considering my credit and finances that was a gift straight from the Lord! I moved again. Although I loved my new spot (See blog from 2006 April) I outgrew it, and there was some drama. Okay so where do I live...lol thats when the sighing starts. Remember the thug or thuggette as some of my friends called her. Well yeah I live with her. We are still together. October 29th will make one year! I officially gave up my keys to my place in Brooklyn on October 14th. I think we are doing great for lesbians! This shoulda happened during week 2! So yeah I live with my boo. Im happy about it a little because I have a relationship that I am mostly happy in and we live together ! this is huge for me! The down side is that I am a very independent, moody, stingy, scornful person. Part of me feels like I should have my own place at this age. On the other hand I dont like living alone anymore. Part of me feels like Im not a lesbian. Like I dont neccessarily want a man well maybe for sex every now and then but nothing more. Its just when I think about being 40 and having a girlfriend and living together and having Kids?? It just doesnt seem right. Honestly what seems most feasable is tohave both. A husband and a girlfriend. doubt if that will happen either. Anyway I digress. I dont know how long things are going to last withthe thuggette. Living together might break us up. She is much more uptight than I am and I deeply despise uptightness. She probably deeply despises laidbackness. But this is temporary.
Anywah Im tryig to whittle my life down. I have been carrying alot of extra baggage physically and emotionally. Im starting with the physical. I threw away alot of stuff when I was moving. If I havent used it in 6 months I dont need it.
My Goals by 30

1. Go to Costa Rica
2. Be in a Ph.D program
3. Baby?
4. Improve my credit
5. Move
6. Lose 20-40 pounds
7. Back off of my addictions.
8. Be a better friend, sister, aunt,daughter.
9. Get pretty again
10.Find a church

Okay

2007-04-22T02:34:00.000-07:00

Hola,

I am leving for Georgia tommorrow. I am going to make my depostion with the lawyers for the apartment complex. I am feeling much better about the situation. I spoke to Big Daddy. I wanted him to come to the hotel and stay with me because I thought I would be scared and anxious. He baisically told me that I need to make this depostion for myself. That not doing it would be like saying it was okay. He said that God does not give us any more than we can handle and that I just need to go in there and tell my story and leave. He was so right. Really I dont even need him to come to the hotel again. I think I will be alright.

Its that time of year again

2007-04-11T02:10:00.000-07:00

Hello blog,
Its that time of year again. The anniversary of my rape. April 26th 2004. Okay so this year is interesting. Although I have been wrapped up in my new found love affair the creeepy crawleeys have still found a way to creep into my mind. Mostly Ive just been feeling sad and angry and shocked by the major change this still is making in my life. I am feeling unproductive as yet another year goes by and Ihave not returned to school. This year is interesting though in that Sayso The sexual assault yearly speak out is happening onthe 20th of the month. on the 21st there is this workshop at the Marriott marquis that I think im gonna go to. Its for survivors but its more like a free spa day. then the next day I am leaving for atlanta to go make my deposition for my case against the apartment complex. I return on monday then the anniversary is that wednesday. Im thinking of taking off of work. But I dont know what I want to do. So I am asking myself what do I want to dothis year and ..cry is the only thing I can think of. Really I dont know how i want to spend it. I dont really want to be with my girlfriend because I know Im going to feel like I am wasting my life away and missing important moments wrapped up in my lesbian love cloud. And she has a way of minimizing or simplifying your problems...like men do. I have to think about that one. What do I want to do this year. Hmm lets think .Last year I did the speak out with my kids. I read my story. I took some days off of work. I stayed home and my car broke down. I was feeling desperate and I called alexis. That one booty call stressed my life out for about 3 more months...(check the old blog entries youll see!) I smoked a lot and drank alot. So this year I may not take all that time off. And this year I wont be getting paid if i take those days off so umm....But i do want something. maybe the wednesday thursday friday and saturday. See now if Robin hears this she will want to goout of town. Now my struggle is do I want to spend the special days I negotiate with my boss away with Robin? I mean there is nothing wrong with her but what are we going to do there that we cant do here? And again this is my special time. Going away would be great but I dont know if I would be up for all the gay antics..acting like the bubbly femme-wifey. I think I would like to have a party. A shes back party. I dont know who I would envite. The people who have supported me over the years. Hmm. most of them live out of NY. That leads me to another issue Ive been having. My friends. I really need to examine the way that I present myself. I realize Ihave a lot of friends that no one else likes. Someone is always saying to me about some one of my friends.. I dont know how you put up with that mess! And Im always like... Hmm I dont know it doesnt bother me! Why why is that? Recently I would say over the last 3 months I have seen the jealous, hating, miserable side of some of the people I consider closest to me. No you know what it is. Most of my friends have a similar charachteristic.. attention seeking behavior. These behaviors stem from a need to feel better than every and anyone. This plays out in different ways. Some of my friends are very competitive.. If someone else gets something they have to get one too...and a better one at that! Others are very jealous or they compare a lot.. Why did my boss say goodmorning to him and just morning to me? Why were you able to find some crack heads to push your car to the side of the road when It broke down.. I woulda had to call triple A! Then theyre are the ones...most amusing of all. who just plain cut you off when you are talking about anything good..in reference to yourself. Theyre are too many people around me who act like this. What is it about me that says its okay to be mean. I dont mind. Like I definaely noticed these charachtertraits in these people before they turned them on me. But I guess my (AND THEIRS) thinking was along the lines of aww I dont have anything to be jealous of anyway. And it was true.. because if i look at these freinds..I am one of very few close female friends they have. If I say few I mean one of two maybe. Ive watched them be phased out and phase friends out themselves because of some trivial reason that really boils down to...I cant top you! I was aware of all the little ways these people liked to do and say things to make themselves feel like they were doing better than me. I didnt object. I didnt care. Everyone was doing better than me. But now that I am making some strides for myself it is really hurting me to see these people act a fool. And when I say making strides I mean small changes in my personal life to make myself feel happier. Im not talking about buying anew house or car or losing 100 pounds. Im talking about finding a new job..that still has me living on the poverty line. My old job SUCKED it gave me high blood pressure, kids were stealing from me, the company was stealing from me, I was underpaid, Ihad no benefits, I worked 45 hours a week and got paid for 40. I worked there for 5 years. Do you know when I quit and God blessed me with my new job which does pay more but not more than any of my friends make... at least 3 of my "friends" showed their jealous, ugly, evil, green, fat asses! All in different ways! Why? really? Why cant you be happy for me. Its ME! My life was mush! Be happy! Let me have this little bit of joy. But Im learning thorough all of this. Maybe this same dynamic that is played out with my friends is played out with my relationship's. Maybe I willingly place myself at the disposal of people that promise to use, and abuse me. Then when it happens I act like it doesn't matter because after all... I did know this about the person. But after a day or two, when It really sinks in, I am crushed. I think I look for the challenge of getting the evil person to be nice to me. And I also need to face the fact that an evil persons niceness is never going to be as nice as a nice persons niceness. Ugh..

My addictions

2007-04-07T03:53:00.000-07:00

Hello,

I am at work. There is 8 minutes until I get off but undoubtedly the white chick who relieves me will be late. I dont know why I call her the white chick. She is not especially white. Like her whiteness does not stand out or anything. I am sleepy. I get delerious when I am sleepy. Lets see. My addictions. Today is Saturday morning. I have been here since last thursday I think. When I say here I mean at Robins house. Hmm so yeah I am addicted to her. I used to tell myself that I am staying there because Its more convienent, my place ennoys me, she spoils me, lots of reasons. But more and more I have to admitt that it her Im addicted to. I dont know if its the whole idea of being in a relationship, being in love, being open, being pampered or if it they way she smells, the dip in her upper lip, her fluffy kinks, the firm softness of her thighs, but im hooked. Other addictions I am noticing and some are making me quite uncomfortable:
marijuana- duh
orgasms- mostly by vibrator, i realize feeling horny, like that tension, is uncomfortable for me.
I feel like I should do something about it..right away.
craigslist- i check it like 100 time a day..tell me why?
vaseline- "im melting, im melting!"
soda- coke, pepsi, orange, gingerale, I got to have at least 2 a day.
Thats about it. Those are the things that I cant go one day with out. And if it so happens that I must do with out it......oooh boy its not gonna be pretty!

On dildo's and pie

2007-04-04T01:30:00.000-07:00

Okay so the other day I had one of those moments where I remembered my childhood and smiled. A big cheezy smile at that. I was at my womans house planning for the next addition to our growing collections of fake phalli. lol. is that even a word? In other words I wanted to buy a new dick. The one we had the don johnson realistic black 6 inch was a beauty however it proved a little weak for the winding, grinding hips my baby got also while the width was great the length was cuming up short. So as i shop i see several ads that say 2 inches wide, 3 inches wide..etc. I hold a tape measure up near the dick and its hard to read and its not exact because you know penises are cylindrical so im like i know there is a formula for this.... pie. i know that its not spelled like this but I dont see the symbol on my keyboard. Anyway remembering pie was like an aha! moment. Finally Finally finally I got to use one of those mind numbing math shits I learned in school. Okay I know pie basically meant that the circumference of any circle is going to equal the diameter times 3.14. so if I take a tape measure and measure around my dick that length is going to equal 3.14 times the width. So I went ahead and measured and figured out that we need a dick between 1 1/2 and 2 inches wide! Aaaaaah Haaaaaa!

Hola

2007-04-04T01:28:00.000-07:00

Hello,

Im sneaking in here to post. Its been forever I know. Guess Im the only one who still stops by. Thats good. Hmm I need to read my last post so Ican fill in the gap. But i had a few ideas I wanted to get out first.

Im BaaAAAccK

2006-11-14T09:39:00.000-08:00

Hola Mi Gente!

Yes Ms. Beauty took a break for a while. I had to collect myself! Umm really my home computer broke and they blocked this site from my job. But its back!! and so am I. Girl It would take forever to update you all on this months events. But believe me its juicy. Its amazing how funny my life is. How entertaining. To me its feels boring, drab and a little empty. But I am easily bored. Umm my restraining order against "satan" (her new name) expires tommorrow. I have decided to drop the charges. Moving on. I have been trying new things to pullme out of my depression and I have to say it worked. A month ago I could barely get out of bed in the morning. I would get to work and close my blinds and cry unitl about 9 am. A million things would be on my mind and I couldnt do anything but just sigh and cry. But it got to be too sickening. And I decided that I have to do something. I have to give it a try. So I started doing things that I would typically feel are "corny" or "white" like going running in prospect park in the cold, after dark. I finally went on another date with that dude from highschool. I met some new people off the net. Yes I know. But hey. It was something to do. I was really just looking for friends....lol. Umm I wound up meeting three nice ladies I will get back to that. I also changed my thought pattern. I just do not allow myself to rumage over certain, thoughts, events, and feelings that I have inside. I had to convince myself that this is not denying they exist and living in a fantasy world but it is not hurting myself with painfull thoughts. Its like having a broken arm and cutting open the cast everyday to feel the spot where the bone broke apart. A little crazy right. Yes so I had to change that. Right now I still have a lot on my mind. I got readmitted to Ga State yesterday and I should be happy but Im a little scared. More than a little. Im scared to pack it all up and do it all over again. I am afraid to be alone and dissapointed by the friends I do have in Georgia....OOOOHHHH did I tell yall I saw Big Daddy!! Umm hmm thats another story. But um yeah. I think classes start on Jan 9th. So we will see. Okay so the internet chicks. First I responded to an ad for a strictly platonic friend. The girl was bi but in a long distance relationship, black, young, cool, smoked. I figured why not! so i responded. I thought white people meet friends on the net all the time. So we met and I love her! Like you dont understand how much like me this girl is. Its funny. She is sooo funny.And blunt, and goofy, and freaknasty, and generally crazy just like me. And shes cute! And she got a fatty! but I digress. Anyway let me be honest this is my blog damnit. From the first night she came over I was like umm hmmm so tell me more about this long distance relationship. lol. But you know how I feel (now) about liking people that are not single. So I fade in and out of infatuation with this child. I found myself thinking about her alot. So I said nope nope got to meet someone else because I will fall into the I will love her from a distance trap. Thus the second female I met. She was cuteish. she has nice lips, she is about the same height and build ( smaller fatty though) as the first girl (who I will call amiga from here on out). Which is funny because we did not even exchange pics before we met . We just emailed picked a public location and met. Soo I had nothing to do with that! Okay but this lady is 40! She doesnt look it at all. And her body is tighter than mine! So anyway I gave "NaNa" ( nickname "friend" picked out) some nana this weekend. LOL Yes congratulate me. Well truthfully we didnt have "sex"because she was on the rag but I wasnt! umm hmm. Okay I sound pleased and I was ..about 3.5 times. but it was really a little creepy. This was the first chick who really triend to grind on me. Okay like 2 min into kissing she climbs on top of me, straddles, my leg, starts humping then says she cuming. What???? Huh????? Im laying there like damn is this "real" lesbian sex? Is this what they do? Remember this was all suppossed to be an experiment to see if I can be a fulltime lesbo. So I am a little disgusted because she kept doing it. she would not stop she came on my thigh, my calf a couple of times. my wrist! Im like what the fuck!! youre the one with the period. this is suppossed to be about me! and okay it was the last day of her period she did have on a tampon and a pantyliner but I still didnt want her rubbing her crotch all over me! So honestly I had an attitude for the first half of the evening. Then....she licked my booty! Girl!!! lol Child!!! She licked it sucked it, popped it out her mouth, stuck her toungue in and out! She had her head burried in there and was just slurpping away! Girl. After that everything was okay! Here hump baby hump! lol. Okay so why was the front of my cooch swollen and sore afterwards from her damn belt, hip bone, pelvis, everything rubbing up against it. She came 8 times according to her. I counted about 13 times she locked my damn leg in between hers and started vibrating. lol. girl...it aint easy. Okay as Im writing this Amiga sent me a txt msg and I am smiling. Help! Help! Help! I should not like this girl so much

2006-09-12T07:21:00.000-07:00

I shall become a collector of ME
I SHALL become a collector of ME.
I shall BECOME a collector of ME.
I shall become A COLLECTOR of ME.
I SHALL BECOME a collector of ME.
I shall become a collector of ME.
And put meat on my soul.

~Sonia Sanchez

2006-08-31T05:58:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I got a call from the nursing home my Tia Cece is in. They called me at work to tell me that they are transporting her to the hospital because her sugar is really high. When I got off of work I went down to the hospital to find her. She was on a bed in the emergency room, curled up in a tiny frail ball, she had an IV in her hand and some nurse was trying to draw more blood from that same hand. I just stood to the side and watched. I jumped when he stuck her. There was blood on her sheets. Someone else walks over and starts unlocking her bed as if he were going to move her. Then he says to the nurse this is Malone right? My Tias last name is NOT Malone! The nurse just shrugs and says I thought they took Malone to get x-rays. Guy says oh and walks away. Everyone is acting like Im invisible. Im looking around for a staff from the nursing home. No one is there. Finally the nurse who is drawing her blood leaves. Her doctor comes over. I talk to him.He tells me she has lost some weight her blood pressure is dangerously low and her sugar is dangerously high. He says she probably has some type of infection. It could be a major heart attack or it could be a urinary tract infection...ummm really doctor? I stayed with her and rubbed her head until she fell asleep. I cleaned off her bed and then left. I sat in my car and cried. I just dont know what to make of life anymore. What is the point of everything that we do. Look at my aunt. She got married twice had two children that she devoted her life to. She has 3 or 4 grandchildren and she living in a nursing home where I am the only person who really goes to see her and she is in the hospital by herself. Do you know that no body has a working number for her son? he really doesnt care about his mother anymore. Mind you this man lived with his mother until he was well into his 30's!!! He got married got divorced and moved back home. Then he got married again.. and never looked back. Standing there at that bed reminded me of being at the hospital when my grandmother was dying from ovarian cancer.
Okay Im being paged overhead. Got to go.

this is the color of my mood

2006-08-26T11:19:00.000-07:00

Ive been stalling on updating this blog. there are so many things I want and need to get out. I havent had the energy. I am very depressed. I have been for a while now . Ive stopped talking to most of my friends.Not that I had a lot to begin with but I have even fewer now. Its fine with me. Im sick of people.Talking to certain people can make me physically feel sick. Im not trying to be mean and I know its my problem and not theirs but thats how it is. Its so weird how Ive been feeling. Im realizing how sad and empty my life really is. Its soo empty. Compared to what I planned and imagined and just assumed I would have. And I have little to no hope of it changing. And Im not sure that having the life that I imagined would be any better. I dont think it makes sense, exists, or is worth the sacrifice. I am at a point where I dont want to be alone. I refuse to be alone, my mind and body reject the thought. I am sooo fucking tired of being alone. I am sick and tired of being patient, and focusing on me, and developing my hobbies, focusing on school, reading, writing, painting, exercising, smoking, drinking, dancing, cleaning, jerking off, eating, talking on the phone, going to my moms house, going to work, surfing the web, sending txt messages, watching movies, doing my hair, arching my eyebrows, digging in my face, crocheting, doing my nails, cooking, all the things that I do to distract myself from the huge aching lonliness I feel. You know people say you play out your childhood in your adulthood. Maybe its true because when I relax and stop ignoring it this is exactly how I felt when I was little. Forgotten , abandoned, not accepted, nobodys favorite, a free agent, on my own, independent. And that is exatly what I am now. So anyway I realize that Im not having this. I refuse. I cant take it. No more pep talks. No more holding my motherfucking breath. By any means neccessary I will not be alone. I am Desperate, I am lonely. I detest desperation. I detest neediness, having no standards, Im gonna love you until you love me type of bullshit. And thats where Im stuck. Which one do I detest more. Being lonely and alone or actively doing something about it. Sounds simple but remember actively doing something about it got me Lex and company. lol. Who by the way I had arrested earlier this month. Yes thats right that bitch went to jail. She was calling my phone non stop. I went to the police told them the story and they called it aggravatied harrassment and arrested her. Havent got a call since! but I digress. Im afraid that Im on my way to crazy. Ive been doing little things for myself lately. Friday I was at work. The day started fine.Somehow I found myself bawling in my office. Chocking bent over my desk with my hand over my mouth. Dont remember what It was. I went to lunch by myself. I went to the park and laid on the ground under a tree and just stared up at the sky. If you know me you know how I feel about bugs, and dirt and the ground, and all that coming near my hair lol. but I needed that. It was the only thing that felt good right then. The day before I went to play pool by myself. That was great and I think Ill go back when I finish this post. But the thing is I dont want to be the crazy old ( black!) lady who lays under the trees everday to keep from having a nervous breakdown. maybe this is the nervous breakdown. I dont fucking know.

I gotta go. Im gonna try to post later. I want to talk about all the people I have met since the breakup. Ive met 5 people either in person or on the net. 3 girls 2 guys. There is a ridiculous story for each of them! I need help!

Get that dirt off your shoulder

2006-08-08T18:34:00.000-07:00

It is time. Im sitting here pissed off...Incredibly. But for some reason I feel calm. Im blasting the black album..thus the title. I have chosen to be calm.

Okay I started this on Tuesday but I was too pissed to continue. Shit with my love triangle hit an all time high last week. well maybe not an all time high but ...

Okay my love affair is over. I find myself in these situations often. Working hard to please someone who I am not pleased with. I was loosing my enthusiasm and so was he. It went from ooohh what am I gonna cook for my baby today??? to damn I know this nigga is going to be looking at me for food!!! He went from leaving me messages like Good Morning Ms.XXXXX ( he uses my favorite last name..i do have two). How are you this morning. I was just thinking about you and I wanted to hear your voice. I was also wondering If you would be interested in cu***ng all over my face, d**k, or fingers so you think about it and get back to me. See that shit would just make my day. I would be at my desk squealing like a school girl. But no more. The last message I got from him went something like. Yeah its me. Im up. Im here. Call me when you get this. And when I call hes like okay why are you calling me..i left you a message. Im like yeah saying to call you back. hes like..oh. So last Sunday night he did not come to brooklyn. He worked from 6 am to 2 pm took a nap and called me at 8:00 to say he aint coming hes too tired. Umm I told him dont sweat it...ever again. I know it sounds extreme but I felt it was time. My vibes NEVER fail me. If anything I fail them by not listening! This time I wasnt gonna risk it. Although he swears Lex was not back in the picture, he is still very much in love and interested in pursuing a relationship with me.. actions speak louder than words. How can we both live in NY and not see eachother for 10 days. Umm especially considering we had a everyother day routine worked out. I found myself thinking of ways to lure him or persuade him to come and see me. Then it hit me like WAIT! First of all who really has to be persuaded to come and see the person that they are digging? Who has to be lured into coming to at least get some ass! And is this skinny, lightskinned, bobby brownesque looking FELON tryna run me around in circles? And the fact that he is Lex's ex makes it worse. Like okay she might have got over on a lot of things but umm you not nearly as cute buddy!! So I ended it. I told him he doesnt have to call me anymore and that I need to forget these last couple of months of my life. He was a little upset that i sent it in a txt message. But I did not feel like hearing another reluctant greeting. So on monday we talked breifly. He restated that this was not about anyone else and he knows that I think he is seeing someone. He said he is under a lot of stress ( IRS got him) and he just needs some down time. Hes just focused and worried about his money right now. I never get that shit with men. Yes I get stressed..highly stressed. But those are the times that I look for someone to turn to so that I can escape from it all. Anyway thats monday.

Oh on Monday while I am having this convo with him my line is beeping like crazy. Its lex.. stalking as usual. Just listening to me say hello. Lately Ive been getting smart with her. Saying things like umm you want me to tell him to call you? Or whats wrong Lexi do I have something that you want? cant find it anywhere? lol. Anyway line is just a clicking away. I tell him when I hang up with you Im calling her and Im going to tell her to stop calling my phone. Hes like do what you got to do I aint in it. So I call and leave her a message. Saying this is getting real old. Its been 3 months..let it go. You want to talk to the boy call him! She calls back and goes in! Let me tell you something there is nothing that you have that I need, want or cant get for myself..blah blah blah. oh you are on the list. Im gonna whoop your ass. And you can call the police I will go to jail because this is something I believe in. I called her back. laughed at her like hmm that shit I said like 2 weeks ago must have really got to ya huh? lol. Umm I told her she does owe me an ass whooping I would have came looking for me already! But I figured that you took a min and really thought about it and realized that you had this coming. Karma is a bitch. Ohh well she didnt like that one at all. She called back the next day talking some shit about fuck Karma and she should have done more shit like sending niggas to my house to rob me like she planned to in the begginning. I said ohhh really well lets see what the NYPD thinks about this. Now if you remember stalking is Lexi's thing. This whole thing started with her stalking and harassing me on the internet and my cell phone after I broke it off with her. I started to file a report back then but I didnt want to send the police to her boyfriends house or to her moms house so I called her boyfriend to see if he could do something about it. Anyway I go to the precint and file a report. They tell me call back in 24 hours.As I am walking back to my job my phone rings. Its my babys cell. I pick up and Its Lex on the other end whispering... keep on messing with me and youre gonna get exactly what you have coming." oh oh oh really! So I call my babys house phone and guess who picks up! I say put him on the phone! She hangs up. Thus the title of this post and my mood for the day. Hot Anger..is how i describe it. I mean even though It should not matter WHAT THE FUCK IS SHE DOING AT HIS HOUSE????? DAMN LIKE DID HE EVEN WAIT 24 HOURS BEFORE HE CALLED HER??? Whooo deep breaths exhale. Im trying to remind myself that this is just my ego. Its less about me wanting to be with him and more about me not wanting him to be with her. Thats not right that is vindictive and controlling and if she loves him exactly how he is ( which she does) then he should be with her. Right?

Color Quiz

2006-07-19T07:50:00.000-07:00

Okay Empress is right about the wide mood swings. lol. I think the color quiz summs it up real real good.

Free personality analysis from ColorQuiz.com.Generated on Wed Jul 19 07:45:06 2006.
Your Existing Situation
Readily participates in things affording excitement or stimulation. Wants to feel exhilarated.

Your Stress Sources
An emotional relationship is no longer running smoothly, has proven deeply disappointing, and is now regarded as a depressing tie. While on one hand, she would like to free herself from this attachment altogether, yet, on the other, she does not want to lose anything nor risk uncertainty and the possibility of further disappointment. These contradictory emotions aggravate her to such an extent that she tries to suppress them beneath an aloof and severe attitude.

Your Restrained Characteristics
Willing to participate and to allow herself to become involved, but tries to fend off conflict and disturbance in order to reduce tension.
Feels trapped in a distressing or uncomfortable situation and seeking some way of gaining relief. Able to achieve satisfaction from sexual activity.

Your Desired Objective
Defiantly opposes any sort of restriction or opposition. Sticks obstinately to her own point of view in the belief that this proves her independence and self-determination.

Your Actual Problem
Anxiety and a restless dissatisfaction, either with circumstances or with unfulfilled emotional requirements, have produced considerable stress. She reacts by putting this down to a total lack of understanding on the part of others, and by adopting a scornful and defiant attitude.

Your Actual Problem #2
Disappointment and the fear that there is no point in formulating fresh goals have led to anxiety, emptiness, and an unadmitted self-contempt. Her refusal to admit this leads to her adopting a headstrong and defiant attitude.

spoke to soon?

2006-07-17T11:02:00.000-07:00

Hola,

Okay first SanginDiva you are tooo much. Girl you had me rolling at the two lesbian bitches thing. lol. girl trust me Im not gonna just let her whoop my ass. Its just that crazy people are real strong. lol. so im already knowing. Girl you are too funny though. I can tell your life is kinda scandalous...i checked out the west coast blogging hotties page and you really down play your "antics" on your blog. I see im going to have to look elsewhere for the real story! Yes me and Lex have drama. I havent really spoken to her since May though. And as far as the dick. She did offer it to me. Actually I turned it down and she was trying to convince me. But now its a different story. Im not borrowing the dick...IT IS MINE!

Which brings me to my next point. Do I really want this dick? Lord it was soo sweet in the begginning. And is still is. But damn. This dude is high maintenence. He got all these emotions and feelings and shit. Its getting on my nerves. If he cries one more time I swear Im gonna punch him. He tests me, he checks my cell phone, he will ask me the same question different times and different ways to see if Im lying. The boy is nuts. If this is what Lex was dealing with for the last 6 years no wonder shes psycho. So He was with me friday night and most of saturday. Saturday night our plans fell through and I was kinda sensing some attitude from him. I was still willing to see him its just we would not beable to do what we planned on doing. Sunday he didnt call me all day. Now I would usually call him but considering his attitude Saturday night It was on him to call. So today same thing no call. Finally about 12:00 I call and leave him a msg on his cell ( i knew he wouldnt answer) saying that he has been digging a ditch since saturday and its getting deeper every hour every minute. He calls back saying this was a test and hes noticed how I dissapear on the weekends and weekday Beauty is totally different from weekend Beauty and dont think hes slow. Im probably running around with my chicks on the weekend or maybe im trying to get back at Lex by treating him bad. Im like look negro I dont treat you bad. Im not running around with no chicks although youre making it sound real real good right now. He was complaining because hes saying I sold him a dream. I told him I would take care of him I wanted to fatten him up. Hes like hasnt gained any weight. Umm hello he just really stopped fucking Lex about 3 weeks ago. I told him he has delusions of grandieur just like Lex. He says--Im gonna smack the shit out of you... I said try little boy I will send your ass back to the hospital and this time youll get a real neck brace. Dont try me! He got real real quiet then hung up. sigh why do i have to go through this? Hes called since then. Says hes coming to brooklyn tonight. Hope he likes my front porch.

Its Friday

2006-07-14T10:07:00.000-07:00

Hola,

So Im here at work. Thinking about a million things that I need to do. My money is soooo freaking funny right now. And I will be this broke until next friday. My baby only had 32$ and he gave me 20$ out of it. Hes soo sweet to me! I love him! So Im gonna have to stretch that until next week. Umm I am on a super duper job search. I need to make more money and work less hours. I want to make the move by the end of August. I need health insurance. My car needs an oil change. I should have gotten one back in May! I need to do my taxes. The w-2's are at my moms house along with a whole lot of other stuff I need to get. I need to buy some bras. Umm I realize i have been wearing the same two bras for like the last 3 months. One has no underwires anymore and the other is missing one. Umm tmi? ... too damn bad. I need to go to the dentist. My upper wisdom teeth are coming in and its making my face lopsided. Not good at all. I need some sheets for my bed.. and curtains.

I lost weight last month. Combination of poverty, depression, moving with no help. I am about 10-20 pounds lighter than I was the last time Ive seen most of the people who read this. not like yall read it anymore. its okay heffas Im glad cuz now I can talk about YOU! lol.

I took a HIV test this month. And its was negative. Thank YOU Jesus! Not to say I expected a postive result but you never know. It only takes one time. I took a test in feb so this was my follow up. I was really calm waiting for my test. I wasnt worried at all. Until. this girl walks in I noticed her because she was cute..she kinda looked like me :) She walks up to the counter and starts talking next thing i know she is bawling and laying her upper body accross the counter as her knees buckle underneath her. Someone comes over and rushes her into the triage room to collect herself. Lord my mind started going. Like OH MY GOSH I wonder if she has HIV. She eventually came back out of the triage room and was sitting in the regular waiting room with me. She looked totally distraught and I wanted to give her a hug or something. That poor child. And she was alone. No friends or nothing. I am disappointed in myself for not talking to her. I think God wanted me to. But I was scared. I prayed for her. I prayed that God will make the test negative if it be in his will and that he comforts her and helps her find peace. Anyway it was a wake up call. Like Umm chica if it can happen to her it can happen to you.

Big Daddy and I may be over... lol. the fact that I am in love with someone else is not the reason. Lol. I told him that the real reason I found him was because I wanted him to father my child next year and that I was surprised when he wanted to pursue a relationship. He was not happy about that at all. He says I was plotting on him and I am no better than the chick that let him raise someone elses child for 12 years. I think hes over reacting. I mean I realized it was wrong, immature, and unfair so I told him. We will see. I will call him this weekend.

Adam. Okay you all remember that we had this big blow out and we have not been speaking. Well its been over a month and this man calls my phone talking about can I come "make love" to him. meet him at the 4 hour motel on pennslyvainia avenue. I tried to be nice and laugh him off but hes persistent. Talking about will I be his personal escort. I just responded I bet that is what you want. The thing is Adam and I dont even have sex like that. In 10 years we have had sex 3 times. Anyway hes like what do you want? What do you need to make love to me. I said number one I need to be in love with you. you need to be my boyfriend exclusively. We should be living together or something close to it. I need a HIV test. Yeah then I can make love to you. He says...how bout I pay your rent..I pause for a min hmmmm??? nope ... click. That was convo # 1. convo 2 was very similar but shorter. Convo 3. resulted in my shouting at the top of my lungs all the things that he has done and said in the last year to disrespect me and prove to me that he does not love me like he says he does, and that he is not even a good friend. He may be a friend. He is definately more than an acquaintence. But no. So after spilling everything and getting chocked up. Hes like damn I didnt think you noticed or cared about that stuff because you are so cold sometimes. What ever. He is still insisting that he is in love with me. More now than before. He wants to date me. He wants to take me out. He says he knows exactly what I need. He says Im just like him and I need to be loved. What ever someone else beat you to it. Try loving your babys mother like that. Boys...

Bear is still trying to get it. Nope. Nope. Nope.

Okay I might as well let it out. Not like anyone reads this anyway. I stole my lesbian lovers boyfriend. Lex pissed me off sooo bad last month. Acutally she did not piss me off she hurt me. And talking to her boyfreind I found out more hurtfull info. She said something to her boyfriend along the lines of there is nothing she can do to hurt me. I said Oooo kay. So I mentioned it to her boyfriend casually. Like you know what will really upset her..if you and I got together. He was like hes been hinting at it but didnt want to say anything. Just to clarify she was doing him dirty too. Anyway long story short. We got together one night but we didnt go through with it. Both of us were feeling too nervous and guilty so we just talked, kissed and cuddled. He called me the next day and played the messges Lex left him the night before when he was with me. She was irate. lol. She threated his life! I was satisfied...and scared. I told him that our mission has been accomplished and we should not talk anymore. He said okay but I thought I heard some sadness in his voice. So I didnt talk to him the next day but I couldnt stop thinking about him. The following day was the same. By the third day I broke down and called him and just told him. I cant stop thinking about you. He was soo relieved. He said he felt the same way and had been soo upset the last few days. He said he was angry and felt used by both of our lesbian asses. lol. I let him know that my plan was to remove myself from anything associated with Lex and that includes him. While they were breaking up and had been for about a month before all this it still was not over. I told him I want him to focus on her and decide what he wants to do. Dont let me be the reason because one month can not compare to 6 years. He told her about him and I. She fought him. NO correction she whooped his ASS. The man had to go to the hospital.. TWICE. He had a neck brace!!! I mean he says he let her get all her anger out because he knew he was a little wrong. After the ass whooping she said she wanted a chance to be the kind of woman he wants her to be. That lasted about 10 days then he found out about he guy that he thought was her cousin for the last 2 years who... was not at all. So they are broken up. Ofcourse she doesnt get this and parked her ass outside my house at 1 am the other night just waiting for us to come outside. She called my phone evrey 10 min. and by 3 am had decided that she was pregnant for him so he needed to come out side right now. Umm he was kind of tied up. lol. Trust me I am not this type of chick. I know I have a major beat down coming and I will accept it only because they have been together for so long. I dont understand why she hasnt come after me already. But its like the more I realized just the type of person she is the more I saw that her boyfriend was in a worse positon than me and needed to be rescued. This chick was stealing from him, running up his bills, cheating on him with girls and guys, and lying lying lying about every and anything. She is a criminal. Shes been arrested for stealing about 3 times and went to jail once for fraud. She probably tried to steal my shit. Thank the Lord for bad credit! So yeah Lex is just a bird. She is the type of girl I dont want to admitt exists. You know how some guys have this philosophy that there are chicks you wife and chicks you fuck. She is the former. Its a shame becuase she is so pretty ( at least to me). Such a pretty girl but soooo ugly and rotten on the inside. Okay I got to go!

Update

2006-07-05T05:56:00.000-07:00

Hola!
I know ive been stingy with the blogging lately. Its just that my life is so crazy right now. Some of the things that are going on I dont even want to think about too hard much less write it down. Umm lets see. first I cut my hair!! Yess I cutt all the perm off and am officially all natural. One of my hair mentors said to me " welcome rasta" You just dont know how that made me smile! I love my hair. It feels sooo good I cant stop touching it. It almost turns me on! lol.

This month my Tia Eleanora moved to florida. She is the last able bodied great aunt we had in NY. She is my grandmothers big sister and she baisically was in charge of the family. Before she left not only did she sign over guardianship of my 86 year old Tia who is living in a nursing home to me. But she also told me that she is passing the baton to me. She said I remind her of herself becuase I have that spunk and that get up and go spirit. She really talked to me about how it was growing up in our family (she had 8 sisters and 1 brother). She talked about feeling unappreciated, taken for granted, and overlooked. She talked about feeling drained. But she also let me know that there is a reason every family has that one person everyone takes advantage of. She said I have to keep letting God use me and even though its uncomfortable its a blessing. This whole convo shocked me. Especially since Ive been real low profile among my family members for over the last couple of years.

Okay this is the one ive been stalling on writing about...I fell in love last month. Yes I am in love....With a MAN! Can you beleive it. Its insane. It makes no sense. It pisses me off. Let me tell you. About a week before this happened I was talking to a friend of mine who has a way of pissing me off with her comments. She said ( out of no where) You know I was thinking about you like wow, Beauty is so angry with men she said fuck all yall... and im taking your chick. lol . But Im not worried. Youre gonna get some good dick and your gonna calm down and get married and have some babies." boy you dont know how that got under my skin. Like the solution to anger and dissapointment is some good dick. All i need is some good dick to calm me down and straigten me out. Then I can see clearly that my rightful place is barefoot and pregnant in some mans kitchen. Umm if there is one thing in my life that I know I have gotten from men that is good dick. Trust me good dick is a good friend of mine. But I digress. The thing thats pissing me off is I think this is exactly what happened. I got some good dick last month. No Im lying I got some incredible, super human, mind numbingly goooooood dick. This man ugh..this man the things he did to me. The care and thought and consideration he put into every motion every act it blew my mind. really. He made me feel things I have NEVER felt before. He made my body do things It has NEVER done before. Im telling you. Im telling you. And the thing is he is not someone I would typically give the time of day. He is physically the opposite of everything I find attractive. Or used to find attractive. Its crazy. But we are in love. It took about 3 weeks for me to admitt it to myself. Then he brought it up. HE brought it up. He brought it up at 5 am. after sex, smoking a ciggarette near the open window, pouring rain. I am asking him why he is here. Im feeling too open and I need to know why he keeps coming back, why is he risking so much, why do so much for me, why me? And he begins talking then tears start streaming down his delicious cheek and his voice cracks and hes telling me of the pain in his past and how Im soothing it and healing it without even knowing or trying. I tell him how he has done the same thing. Ugh. I cant write about this anymore. Im so scared that this is going to fall apart. Im scared that its not what It seems and I am once again the biggest blindest Ass in the world. Im scared that Im going to end up maimed, crippled, in jail, or worse for loving this man. But Edna St. Vincent Millay...she feels me.

Love is not All

2006-06-29T06:37:00.000-07:00

Love is not all
it is not meat nor drink
nor slumber nor shelter against the rain
nor yet a floating spar to men who sink and rise and sink and rise and sink again.

Love cannot fill the thickened lung with breath
nor clean the blood, nor set the fractured bone
Yet many a man is making friends with death
Even as I speak, for lack of love alone.

It well may be that in a difficult hour,
Pinned down by pain and moaning for release,
Or nagged by want, past resolution's power,
I might be driven to sell your love for peace,
Or trade the memory of this night for food.
It well may be. I do not think I would.

Whirl Wind

2006-06-20T12:33:00.000-07:00

Hola Mi Gente!

I know Ive been MIA for some time but Im back. A LOT has happened. My life is baisically a whirl wind of crazy right now. Im still loving my new place. My mother quit so we do not work together anymore! Which is a good thing. However she quit because she learned from her doctor that she has been having several small strokes over the last couple of years and it has damaged her brain. Her blood pressure is still not under control and the stress from work was not helping so... Sigh. please pray for my mommy. She still has not been following the doctors orders, taking her medication, or eating right. I cant want something for someone more than they want it for themselves.
Okay Lex and I are over. Long stupid story but its a wrap. She is stalking me though. Two weeks after I told her not to call me anymore she calls....39 times between 1:51 am and 3:34 am. 39 times!!! and left messages and she even let her number show one time! The next morning after realizing she wasnt going to respond she began calling again So I was planning on getting a order of protection but I said let me call her boyfriend first and try to be civilized before sending the police to their house. Lord knows we dont need another black man ( or woman) in jail. So I called and he was actually really good to talk to. He was NOTHING like her. He is intelligent and quiet and reserved. And he didnt know half of what was going on. I mean he definately knew the baisics. I wouldnt have called him if he didnt. But there was a whole lot she was lying to both of us about. So what lesson did I learn over the past 7 months with this girl? Hmmm men are not the only ones who can have evil, greedy, ugly, selfish hearts. Through this whole ordeal I got the opportunity to hear Lex discuss the situation with her man and this is what she said." Beauty has a good heart. Its too big of a heart to mess with a chick like me. She had to learn a lesson. You just cant be that nice to people. I had to do it to her. I bet this shit wont happen to her again." Sigh. It makes me sad even writing it. Like why? Why and How can people really be like this? Who is she to decide I cant be nice? Now we all know of people who are door mats for everyone and its true that its not a healthy way to live but upon meeting someone like that would you a) talk to them and try to help them think more of themselves or b) use, lie, abuse, and confuse them? which one and why? which one do you think would do the most towards getting them to change their doormat ways. you think by treating them like the super doormat they will start thinking better of themselves???? AND more importantly I AM NOT A FUCKING DOORMAT CHICK. for real. some of yall know me some of yall dont but you should be able to tell that I am not a doormat. I am not overly nice. Even the people who I try to be super nice to call me mean so what it really is that that this chick is evil. I should have known the middle 3 numbers of her social are 666! So anyway I got my revenge. lol. Ill never tell how but boy did I! I got it over and over and over again! ROTFLMAO!!! (rolling on the floor laughing my ass off- thanks empress!)

Okay last night Bear (some of you know him) Bear is this tall sexy ass dred that Ive known for the past 4 years. Our relationship is strictly buisness with a tiny tiny tinge of flirting here and there. So yesterday I come out on the porch to open the door for him. It just started to rain the wind is blowing and Bear walks up to me gives me a hug then puts his hand on my cheek and kisses me..slowly, deeply, softly, passiontely. Im like WHAT IS THIS!!! After a while my knees got weak. He pushed me up against the wall right outside the nosy landlords door and kissed and bit my neck, shoulders and chest...area. (lol) He wasnt drunk or high or anything. He says I do something to him every time he sees me. He says he cant help it and its my fault. There was a empty parking spot right outside my house and he asked if he could park and come up. I said noooooo. noooooo. nooooo. lol. He has a girlfriend a babys mother actually. So I said that to him. dont you have a girl? and he says yeah so its nothing. umm and right at that moment the love music playing in my head stopped. the pretty pink smoke that was filling the room evaporated and I lifted my head off of his shoulder. Looking at him I was faced with the reoccuring theme in my life. Borrowing somebody elses stuff because I have no hope of getting my own. Sigh. So even though it was a very romantic, sexy moment I had to let this one pass. the story of my life no?

colorquiz

2006-05-26T07:09:00.000-07:00

Okay I took the Color Quiz this morning. The color quiz is an amazing tool. (www.colorquiz.com) Its a personality assessment based on color preference. All they do is ask you to click on the color that makes you feel the best when you look at it. You dont choose the color you would typically like, the color that looks best on you, or anything like that. You choose the color that your eyes are drawn to the most at the time you are taking the test. Anyway you do that twice and it gives you a readout. This thing is soooo accurate. It always surprises me. You should take it to and post your results. Anyway look at this.

Free personality analysis from ColorQuiz.com.Generated on Fri May 26 07:05:46 2006.

Your Existing Situation
Under considerable stress due to the demands of the existing situation. Trying to extricate herself from the things which restrict her or tie her down.
Your Stress Sources
Resilience and tenacity are being overtaxed by the continued attempt to overcome existing difficulties. Sticks to her objectives but feels subjected to intolerable pressure. Considers it impossible to change the situation into one of cooperation and mutual trust and so desires to be free of it altogether.
Your Restrained Characteristics
Egocentric and therefore quick to take offense. Able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity but tends to hold aloof emotionally.
Your Desired Objective
Seeks success, stimulation, and a life full of experience. Wants to develop freely and to shake off the shackles of self-doubt, to win, and to live intensely. Likes contacts with others and is enthusiastic by nature. Receptive to anything new, modern, or intriguing; has many interests and wants to expand her fields of activity. Optimistic about the future.
Your Actual Problem
The tensions induced by trying to cope with conditions which are really beyond her capabilities, or her reserves of strength, have led to considerable anxiety and a sense of personal (but unadmitted) inadequacy. She attempts to remedy this by intense activity and by insistence on getting her own way. Faulty self-control can lead to ungovernable displays of anger.
Your Actual Problem #2
Anxiety and restless dissatisfaction, either with circumstances or with unfulfilled emotional requirements, have produced stress. She tries to escape by intense activity, directed either towards personal success or towards variety of experience.

Hmmm

2006-05-25T09:39:00.000-07:00

Ineffective expression of needs or longings. Abuse teaches you that your needs, longings and opinions do not matter (at least not to your abusers). Abuse changes the way you express yourself. Many of us struggle to express our true needs or longings. We cloak our desires because of the pain experienced when those longings were mishandled by others. At the same time, those needs and longings still exist and beg to be heard. Perhaps your need to be held as a child was frequently met at the expense of abuse, so you learned to hate what you needed. But the dilemma remains: You still have needs and longings. Because of this inner conflict, desires are often expressed in ineffective or destructive ways. We alienate people through unreasonable demands, silence, or abusive manipulation. Learning to balance the pressure of unmet needs with effective expression and respect are challenges that survivors must confront.

this is just a note for myself. Something I need to come back and ponder.

I saw GOD in ACTION Today!!!

2006-05-24T14:15:00.000-07:00

Okay so Im at work and I hear a big boom outside. Several big booms actually. I turned to look out the window and I saw a car FLYING through the air. Okay I work in Brooklyn people on a busy street with lots of traffic and pedestrians. It looked like something out of a movie. I swear I wondered for a minute if I had finally snapped and lost my mind! By the time I got outside the street was crammed with fire trucks, ems, and police. I expected to see a 20 car pile up or something. Instead there is a car pretty badly scratched up and dented double parked RIGHT next to MY car which was parked halfway down the block. Everyone was screaming and rushing to this car. I didnt understand. Then I looked down at the other corner and there was a van that had ran up on that sidewalk and crashed into a pole. This is the story the van ran a red light hit the back of this little car which then went FLYING into the air, Flipped over about 4 time and landed half a block away on all four tires right next to MY car. My car did not have a scratch. The young black female that was driving the car was ALIVE, IN ONE PIECE, NOT BLEEDING, NOTHING BROKEN, NOT A SCRATCH. Now tell me that isnt Jesus. I got chills just standing there. How in the world does that happen? I work in Bed stuy. The blocks here are very long theyre like the blocks in Manhattan. Do you know how far that car flew. How many times it flipped over, hit the ground and kept on going? Do you know how many people were on the street who the car could have landed on? There are 2 schools a hospital and a nursing home all in the area! And the girl was fine! that was the miracle. she was laughing with the firemen and talking on her cell phone. Im sure she was in shock. They put a neck brace on her and strapped her down until the ems were able to get her in the ambulance. Anyway. Just wanted to share that miracle with you guys. I think God was sending me a message by having the car land next to mine.

Release

2006-05-23T09:11:00.000-07:00

Im gonna throw up.
I really want to.
Im not nauseous im just disgusted.
I want to throw up often.
Anyway I said I wasnt going to blog today because I felt like I would give rise to some feelings I dont want to dwell on.
This morning was crazy. I drove to work today screaming at the top of my lungs to an asshole on the phone who got me so livid.
Adam.,,the nipple boy calls my phone at about 7:20 this morning. I ignored the first call. and the second. Then the doorbell rings. Yes its 7:20 am. and the phone rings again. So its him and hes outside. I tell him Im busy I cant come downstairs. Im wondering what the fuck is this boy doing here? Am I going to have to get a order of protection? Two minutes later my phone is ringing again. This time its my landlord. The landlord telling me that whoever just came to the house for me was very rude. She saw him peeking through the door she asks him who he wants and he ignored her and continued talking on the phone. She asked him again and he starts walking down the steps and tells her that hes on the phone with me already. She tells him he is being rude. He turns around and begins to curse her out. Fuck you. Fuck your house. Your house is a piece of shit. This is why black people cant have anything cuz you get a little something and you dont know how to act.... A lot of irrelevant disrespectfull, ignorant, Yankee Ass American bullshit! (yeah I said it!) Why oh Why ? Now the lady is nosy and ennoying but she is old enough to be his mother or at least his aunt or something and it is HER house and its 7:30 am. You come downstairs and see some thug peeping through your front door you would question him to. Oh but the story gets better. I call Adam and light into his tail ( like my momma says). Do you know first he tries to say I need to hear his side of the story. At that point Im like okay tell me but unless that lady said move your bumb ass off my steps or something like that you had no right to curse her. Long story short this nigga has the nerve the NERVE to try to curse ME. talking about hes dead to me, and keep his name out my mouth talking about he shouldnt have been at my fucking house in the first place. I said youre right nigga thats the point! And all this street keep my name out your mouth shit you can save for your babys moms bitch. Do you know this man talking about hes parked outside my job! I said WHAT stay right there nigga gimme 4 mins. I was driving like a mad woman. I envisioned myself running his ass over, running into the truck he loves so much, my finger tips were itching thats how bad I wanted to dig my fingers into his fucking neck. Yo i was soooooo heated. I was scared at how mad I was. I have rage! Like I never used to feel like this before. Adam of all people should know how much pent up shit I have right now and he was gonna get it. Of course he was gone by the time I got here. but I stood outside and looked for his bitch ass. But anyway. The thing is I am at a point where I am tired with most of the people I know. but definately anyone who is there to serve some sort of romantic purpose. I have been hesitating on cutting these people off for various reasons. Adam because he is my friend. Or he was. I have know him since I was 18. A virgin. Just completed my freshman year of college. thats almost 10 years. We have lost touch and we always wind up bumping into eachother.And for most of the 10 years we didnt even have sex. I have only had sex with him 3 times in my life. But there is the whole titti sucking exchange and that happened much more frequently. Anyway regardless of all that. I feel like his main interest in me is a sexual one. And Im tired of being used. Especially when I cant use you back. Hes a pervert. He calls me early in the morning just to hear me talk so he can jerk off. He beggs for me to email him pics of my boobs at ridiculous hours of the morning. Even when he shows up on some platonic terms he always wants me to do something. And its disgusting. Its making me more of a lesbian. I told him that. The other day I was driving to go pickup Lex in the middle of the night in the rain. He happened to call me and hes trying to talk me out if it. Saying I deserve better. Im beautiful. I need to work on my self esteem. He said he would take the ride with me so I wont be out there in the rain by myself. I had to pass his house to get on the highway so I said okay. Im thinking see thats a friend. Hes concerned about me. He wants to talk. As I get closer I change my mind because I know he can be an asshole and would say something stupid once she got in the car. So I call him back and tell him Im not gonna pick him up. He says are you sure. Im like yeah. He says you dont want me to lick your nipples while youre driving. WHAT! Ugh! Hell No! (him) alright alright then can you send me a pic pleeeezzzeeee! (me) CLICK!!!! See what Im saying! I mean its kind of flattering the whole thing. But its more ennoying and disgusting. I know I am a sexual super star. I was born this way.. its a burden Ive carried all my life. Lol. No but Im serious. I was born looking like I do, sounding like I do so its no compliment to me when you are obsessed with my physical. I had no input on that.
With Lex I dont feel like im being used for sex. If anything its the other way around. But lex is a drama and attention queen. I realize this now. She likes to do things, create conflicts, just for the added attention, phone calls, convos, time. And Im tired of this shit. so so so fucking tired. Do you know what really makes me sad. The fact that this is all I got. Yesterday I read a entry on another blog that made me cry. It was someone describing how they shared a painfull, personal secret with their boyfriend. At first glance If you read the blog you might think that I cried because I have a very similar painfull secret. But no as I was reading it I felt my chest sinking. I felt like something was sucking my stomach in. I felt like throwing up, the tears just kept coming on their own. I was crying because the pain the sadness the exhaustion that the author described I know all too too well. But what I dont know well, what I dont know at all is having someone to cry on. Having someone who is interested enough to want to know what hurts me. Having someone who can hug me and reassure me when Im feeling yucky. Having someone who I can tell the truth to without being judged. Or even if I didnt want to share this secret with my significant other just having a significant other who loves ME as I present myself to them would mean so much. And Im really not comfortable with these feelings. I hate needing people, hate wanting love. Ive needed it and wanted it all my life. ALL MY LIFE. And I have rationalizied it soo many ways. God wants me to know that he is God. God wants me to know that I dont need anyone but him. God wants me to know that every thing I got I got through him not my parents, not my friends, not a boyfriend but HIM. God knows that I am strong and that I can make it through this on my own. Maybe the next person who has similar struggles as me, maybe God knows them and knows that without some outside support or reassurance they would snap. Maybe this is how my life is suppossed to be. God planned it that way and so he was preparing me for it from childhood. No matter what It all leads up to the same question. When God. When? What about ME? Whos gonna love ME? Whos gonna comfort ME? Whos gonna encourage ME? Whos gonna understand ME? See the tears. This is why I didnt want to start writing.

Anyway I get to work and I have this little Daily Word calendar this guy I used to date gave me. He was a total ass hole but he did leave me with one positive thing. anyway I turn to today and this was the message:

Release
With powerful affirmation, I release all negative thougts, regrets, resentments, hurts, and unforgiveness: I now release everything from my life that has been in the way of my expressing myself fully as a child of God.
Guided by God, I may realize that a current relationship, job, or home is no longer right for me. As I realease whatever needs releasing, I am creating the space for new ideas and material blessings to come to me. I feel reborn with enthusiasm. The space that I have cleared in my life is an invitation for new blessings to come pouring in.
affirmation: Releasing all that no longer serves me, I give full expression to mthe child of God that I am.

So when I start missing folks.. like I do today. I miss Lex. Im just gonna remember that this space I have cleared is an invitation for new blessings to come pouring in!

Follow this link to an old post of mine. It is another poem by Carolyn Rodgers that I feel sooo much...especially now.

http://somemeofbeauty.blogspot.com/2005/11/poem-for-some-black-women.html

Pictures

2006-05-17T07:33:00.000-07:00

See Jaye always knows what to say to get me to do something crazy. Heres my ass! And my room! Well first we will start with my room this is my favorite wall. And thats my favorite poem Some Me Of Beauty written on the wall. oops is the my toy box on the bed!

Okay heres my ass!

My weedend

2006-05-15T08:40:00.000-07:00

Okay so this weekend I went to a party called Lovergirl at club shelter. Its a girl meet girl party that Ive been hearing about for a long time. My roommmate suggested that I go there to find a replacement for Lex. Lord knows I need one! I have always been hesitant to go to one of these parties because I just know Im going to run into one of my students. Anyway we didnt plan on going to this club we we left he house so I was bummy in jeans, an t-shirt and timbs. I might have been confused for an aggressive! lol. The party was nice enough. It was empty at first but then it started filling up. I danced. I drank. alot. (thus the dancing) 4 sex on a beaches and 3 shots of tequila. I spent all my money and left the club with 20$ to last me 2 weeks! I didnt meet anyone. I lost my cell phone and the genius who found it downloaded a whole bunch of ringers and caused my account to go over the spending limit. But best of all... I did see one of my students. Not only was the student there but the student was part of the show! Yes one of my babies was on the stage shaking her ass for...me?? Yup and she saw me. Maybe because I was standing right in front of her with a dollar in my hand! But luckily shes actually a former student and we were both really really twisted so maybe she wont remember me.... nah wishfull thinking. After I spoke to her she walked over to her friend and made a "no" motion with her hands then she walked to the edge of the stage and fell off. lol. So yeah Ill give it about 2 days before news is all over the job that Ms. Beauty is a lesbian. lol. I could care less. Only slight problem is that my MOTHER works at my job! (exhaling) but again what can I do but wait. Even if it does get around the job whos to say anyone would be so bold as to tell my mother the scoop. Also I have told my mother several times. She thinks Im joking or Im just trying to piss her off. As a matter of fact the other day she was telling me that she wants me to hurry up and have a baby. I told her flat out. No Im going to be a lesbian. She grabs on to the car door as if a strong wind was coming to blow her away.. and says "Oh no !stop! dont say that with me in the car!!!" So yeah. Anyway what else happened this weekend?

I spoke to my friend in Syracuse. I have really been ignoring him for the past couple of months and he didnt even do anything to deserve it. This guy I admire! I just realized that he is really an example of the kind of man I admire. I found one!!! Hes smart, educated, involved in the community, a good father, etc. So anyway he wants me to come see him. I will .. eventually

Big Daddy is MIA . I dont care. He will pop back up sometime this week with his cock in his hand do doubt.

Lex..eh its pointless. I will continue to use her for sex until I choose to stop. I will no longer attempt any sort of conversation with her. She is a lie, liad, liar, too lie, however you want to put it. The only thing that I do know is true about her is that she eats pussy and she does it like a champ! So Im going to stick to what I know!

Oh on Saturday morning my students and I participated in the 2nd annual March a Mile for Your Momma. It was a silent march down fulton street in Brooklyn to raise awareness about domestic violence. It was a very short walk, grass roots organization, lovely experience.

why i love craigslist

2006-05-11T07:20:00.000-07:00

Okay so if you know me you know that Im addicted to craigslist w4w and missed connections. I just like to read the ads. They are so entertaining. W4w is hilarious and informative. You learn alot about what people are into. There was an ad on there the other day that said this girl was looking for a plus sized woman who likes to have sex without bathing first. Umm youre a brave brave soul is all I have to say to that. The funny thing is this is the second add ive seen like tht. Missed connections are more romantic. I fantasize about someone sending me messages on there. Once or twice I think a message is meant for me. Im keeping my fingers crossed. This is jayes fault she got me hooked. Hey now that I think of it she introduced me to all the sites that get me hooked...except for this one and its currently my main addiction. I found this site on my own but slowmetamorphosis really got me into it. Anyway I found this poem burried in all the crazy freaknastyness on the w4w section.

Comes the Dawn (Author unknown)

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
and you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security,
and you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises,
and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes wide open
with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
and you learn to build all of your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans,
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul,
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really do have worth.
And you learn and you learn...
with every goodbye you learn.

O! O! O!

2006-05-09T16:33:00.000-07:00

8Okay is anybody else watching Oprah? She is interviewing Lance Armstrongs ex wife. I dont remember her name. Okay that is a shame. Being the feminist that I am I didnt want to call her Lance Armstrongs ex wife and I cant remember that white ladys name so I take the trouble to reach for my remote and press info and dont you know it says interview..Lance Armstrongs ex wife. tsk tsk tsk. Maybe her name was Sheila. Anyway I digress. Oprah is about the realities of marriage. Girl it is deep. Oprah and I are on the same page!!! I knew she was my real momma! lol. Dr. Robin Smith is also on too. She just said Shrinking women dont make for good wives. We dont realize that a shrinking woman who cant be big in who she is is not someone you want. And we might want to blame the man and say oh that guy was no good. Nope thats not it. Okay earlier they were saying that the first step to a successfull marriage is that you agree to live in truth. Most people get married while hiding who they really are or not even knowing who they are in the first place. You have to show up as a grown up and only enter into a relationship with someone who is willing to show up as a grown up as well! preach preach Dr. Smith! You have to get out of intimacy and let reality live and breathe and you will have a healthy and successfull marriage. Im watching it right now so this not paraphrasing.

Boy this is it this is why I am so turned off to the idea of marriage. I dont want to shrink. I watched my mother shrink. It disgusted me. It was very sad. Hmm maybe thats the problem with having children before you get married. If I hadnt been around long enough before she got married to see the difference I would think the new mom is normal and I would gladly play that role huh? Its true. I wanted to be like my mom before she got married. I actually am a lot like my mom before she got married! hmm intresting. Im just sitting here butt naked typing way. See heres a perfect example. I like to be naked. Its very natural and comfortable. I forget Im naked half the time. Being naked is part of who I am. I cant even fall asleep if I have on too much clothes. How am I gonna be naked with a husband and kids running all through my house? Im sure the husband will just love it at first. But I bet he will get immune to it just like I am. He'll forget Im naked. Or since thats not likely ( lol) Ill get tired of being proded when Im just trying to chill. But I guess it will work out. Its a small thing. right? Love overcomes all..But wait. now that I think about it. How will it work out? I will change. I have to because even if my husband isnt phased what about my kids. Its inappropriate. I dont know if im ready to give up my nakedness. sigh... I guess its only for a while..about 18 years if I can have octuplets...okay maybe quadruplets but thats as low as Im going...and get it done in one shot... whoopie! .lol

I know a couple of people who in relationships may not do all of those things but I dont know anyone who doesnt do at least one. I know I am guilty of quite a few in my relationships.. that I have had in the past. So im goign to start working on that. See I already am being more authentically me. I wasnt even going to say I was naked. I typed it..thought about it..erased it ..then said but shit I am naked.What is the problem!

Get out of intimicay!!! Its not about how closely, deeply or thouroughly you can meld yourself into his life. Its about living your lives together. Because reality is you will never become one person! That part in the bible about the two shall become one is figuritive! Hmm but what about for this reason shall a man forsake his mother and father and cleave unto his wife. I remember learning in sunday school that the use of the word cleave was significant in that it meant to join onto, to bind, to dig in. Even though in school.. like science I swear cleavage was used to describe cell division right? spliting dividing in half..two whole halfs but still halfs..not multiplied. im just thinking out loud..lol. sigh. thats what I do with this page I just talk. more and more Im relaxing. Im writing more for me now than for other people. I try to make it coherent and the spelling figureoutable lol. Like I think coherent is wrong and I know Unpretty confused me a bit. lol. but hey. its me.

So you know I wouldnt tease you with my nakedness without giving you a peek. Here is my newest tatoo. I wanted to show both the big one is smack dab on my ass cheek and uh uh. Im going to put some pics of my room on here to...maybe. Its funny how I second guess myself all the time. Its like the anti hoevirus alert beeps. Am I somehow motivating some internet freak to come and get me by posting my ass and a pic of my room on this blog? Its actually not funny. anyway

hmm guess its not meant to be my battery just died on my digital camera. perhaps tommorrow.

Top Five Hits

2006-05-09T05:43:00.000-07:00

Good morning! We are going to play our top 5 hits!

Name your top 5:

Best Friends

1. Khalilah
2. Jeanine
3. Damali
4. Jamila
5.Tameka

Relatives

1. Aanya
2.Keisha
3. Tia Flora
4. Tia Mayra
5. Ivette

Happiest Days of your life

1. The day I graduated from Clark
2. The day I crossed the burning sands. Zzzzzzphhhiiiiiii!
3. The day Eric came back after our big breakup
4. My 21st birthday when my family threw a surprise party for me and invited my childhood
friends.
5. When my students A.S., J.R, J.M, R. E., passed the GED got their drivers licencse, and started working! Especially A. S and J.R. it brings such joy to my heart to see these young men feel proud of their achievements.

Dates

1. When Nyron took me out for our 1 year anniversary
2. When Keith cooked codfish and potatoe for me!
3. The Plantation with Lex
4. The ride around Piedmont park with Eric.
5. The cruise Keith took me on.

Best Lovers or Loving Moments

1. Eric- the last time
2. Ahmariah - everytime
3. Keith- the first time
4. Lex- the last time , and the time before that!, umm and the time before that time!
5. After the big break up when Eric found me and came to my dorm! That was the best loving
momemt of my life! Not the sex but the moment.

Kisses or Kissers

1. Eric- this was the moment I knew we were in love. We were both sleeping and I turned over and he put his hand on my face and we started kissing.. in our sleep, stank breath, mouth crust, drool and all. it was sooo sweet!
2. Kya- i miss those soft, plump, curly lips. they made my heart click.
3. Lex- passion
4. My first kiss with Frantz Baron in the steps of Clara Barton High school.
5.

Sayings, Bible Scripture, poems, etc.

1. The 23 Psalms
2. Psalms 142
3. Mine eyes are ever toward the Lord; for he shall pluck my feet out of the net. Psalms 25:15
4. "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16. v 33.
5. Still I Rise and Phenomenal Woman, Some Me Of Beauty, Poem for some women, Love is not all, Woman- by Maya Angelou, Carolyn Rodgers, Edna St. Vincent Millay, and Nikki Giovanni-- all these poems can be found on this page.

Unpretty?

2006-05-08T08:54:00.000-07:00

hola,

so my goal is to get everything I want to post posted today. So lets start where I left off last week. Umm All-Mi-T I dont think the white chick pays rent but she earns her keep in other ways. Which brings about one of the funny stories I have about my new spot. So I finally talked my big sister into coming to visit me. She was convinced that God would not strike the building with lightning as long as she was there. So were in the house for 2 min when we hear what started out sounding like a dog crying. We ignored it. Then it got louder and my sister starts giving me a funny look. I say noooo thats not a person its a dog. Sister says maybe its a baby. Then we heard the dog say Ooooooohhhhhh Jeeeeessuuuuuussssss! Yessss! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Oh My God! Soo yeah white chick earns her stay.

Anyway back to the last story. Girlfriend and I broke up. She pissed me off by going MIA for 4 days then popping back up acting like everything was fine. And we had plans over those 4 days so I was pissed. Anyway so shes back and Im ignoring her. She was on vacation for a week after the first two days of ignoring her calls and txts she must have got pissed off which in turn pissed her boyfriend off. Anyway on day 3 she sends me a txt saying that she cant see me anymore because it is interfering with her relationship. I say fine what ever you want. Even though It came out of no where she was right. I did miss her. But it was a calm emotionally stable two weeks! Then well that was kind of my fault. April 26th came up and I was thinking maybe I want to have sex this year. You know do it voluntarily just because I can! And no sooner than I had the thought the opportunity came up and I took it. I had sex with the same one boy I had sex with back in December. It was brief. Then the guy wanted to try to rush me so that we could leave ( we were at a hotel). I had to tell him look we should still be "having sex" this is my time, have a seat and be quiet!" Then on my way home that day my car broke down. I called Mr. Speedy Gonzalez and he was on his way. In the meantime 3 very nice gentlemen in a very nice car (the type people are usually not willing to give a jump off of ) pulled over and helped me. They jumped my car and when that wouldnt work they pushed it to my block and parked it for me. Of course one of them did want my phone number but thats a small thing in exchange for all the work they did. And of course the guy was married so he got shutdown after convo #1. Anyway the next day I got the car fixed. I paid a "friend" to replace the alternator. He and I had a little episode a couple of years back. No sex though. He was young at the time. But hes grown now. Umm hmm grown and delicious, tall , long fat locks, fat juicy lips, umm hmm! However we only have a business relationship now. Anyway he told me the part would cost 180$ I gave him 200$ and told him call me first because Im going to try to find it cheaper. Dont you know the first place I called had it for 50$. So the guy comes and does the work. He charged 60$ for labor and was trying to hand me 40$ change. Im like umm wheres the rest. Oh you gonna let me hold that down right? What negro????? Nooo give me my money! I purchased something else from him and when he left I realized he wound up keeping 10 extra dollars from that! Im like damn and just when I was starting to think he was kinda fine. So everythings fine Im a little tense oh wait did you notice that Speedy never showed up! Nor did he call. So its 48 hours later and as far as he knows Im still standing on the corner blocking traffic with my car! So im pissed at that, ennoyed by young hustlemans antics ( that wasnt it he tried to steal my roommates dvd for his son! ) but im maintaining. This is my vacation and I should be relaxed. Oh no in the middle of that night Amir a friend that lives in D.C. calls and says he just got to brooklyn whats up. So I let him come over halfway hoping that he might fondle me or something. But once he arrives I am reminded why its been almost a year since ive seen him. ... Hes gay. Yeah we wont discuss it. Admitt it if you want but youre gay. So he spent the rest of the night at my house. Me under the covers him on top. Next day I get up to go out and my car wont start!! Got a neighbor to give me a jump my car would not take the jump. I called Amir and he came back and tried again and it worked. So then I drive to my house to get some warranty papers before I take my car to the shop and dont you know I locked my spare set of keys in the car! So at that point I had it. After the first 20 min of trying to break in while the short jamaican guy next door tells me how hes been keeping and eye on me for a while all the while not budging from his stoop I dropped everything and went inside for a quick convo with Mary. During this convo Im thinking about how tired and tense my body feels. And I started breaking down. I missed my baby. I needed some comfort. So I took some pictures..that I hoped would get a response and sent a txt saying I miss you. And she called. First she said nope she cant do it then she changed her mind. She said she was coming but she didnt show up. I wasnt surprised... unitl the next morning when she called and told me that she broke up with her boyfriend the night before, and moved out ! Yes so that is the status of the situation now. As far as Im concerned we are still broken up. We have been talking because Im trying to help her out with some things. The breakup had nothing to do with me.. really. They really need to hurry up and get back together. Even though I hate it I am more comfortable with being the sidekick. I know my role, I know what to expect. So when I ask myself howcome everyone is taken and how come everyone has someone who comes before me, and how come Im always number 2??? It could be because that is what I subconsciously want and there fore attract! What do you think? Also I want to post a pic of my tattoo on here. Do you think it would be to vulgar to post it. Its on my ass. those of you who have seen it let me know please! Otherwise Ill do it anyway and dont complain! Ill be back after lunch. I have a tag for you Sangin Diva!

Good Morning World!

2006-05-04T06:00:00.000-07:00

I feel good today. This week is flying by! I started to call out of work yesterday but then I called my mom to tell her I wouldnt be there and she made me feel guilty. Like youre not settinga good example for the students and you just came off of vacation and now youre out, and youre going to miss the awards ceremony and your students will want you to be there. Sigh! she was right. I had already called out but I got my butt up and went to work. It was a great day. Just happy and full of laughs. Ive been going crazy trying to track down this one student who seemed to have vanished. We did a home visit yesterday only to find out that the child is in jail for shoplifting at a discount clothing store. What can I say but Lord help these children! And I have never heard of a minor going to jail for 3 days for shoplifting?? Anyway at least she wasnt sitting at home saying screw my education and my future which is usally the case when I do a home visit. So that was kind of good.

Theyre are alot of things I skipped over that I meant to write about. April was a crazy month. I moved. Oh let me tell you about my roommates. Its a 3 bedroom house. Very nice very spacious, very clean. One of my roommates is 23, black , lesbian, with a girlfriend who baisically lives there too. she is white and boyish. My other roommate is also 23, she is a mtf transsexual and get this she is a lesbian too! yes yes yes! I know it sounds crazy but I honestly feel more comfortable there than at my moms house. I was originally looking to move by myself but I was scared to be lonely and alone in an apt. Okay what else happened in April. I took my students to volunteer at Union Square on April 21st for SAYSO the Sexual Assault Yearly Speak Out. It was great the students really took the project seriously. Some of them even got up and shared there stories of survival. I figured since I couldnt raise enough money to sky dive I can help in another way. I also read my own story at SAYSO this year. I came back at night when the students werent there. It was hard writing it but reading it was very cleansing. I felt good when I stepped off the stage. So that was a really big deal for me. Okay what else you already know about April 26th. My car broke down, I got it fixed and it broke down the next day, got that fixed then locked both sets of keys in my car while it was running. Spent about an hour and a half breaking into my car which I was successfull at! No thanks to the many men who walked by and made smart comments, asking for my number one even asked for a ride but did not help me! Girlfriend and I broke up. I wasnt calling her because she is sketchy and I was tired of the
on again off again thing. brb!

Rant Continued

2006-05-01T09:24:00.000-07:00

Okay I have been tagged by the very patient and beautiful Sangin Diva!

I have to write 6 quirky things about myself. Here goes

1. My family is from Costa Rica! Soy una Tica! (with really bad spanish) So Diva we are neighbors!

2. This one is really wierd. Scratching a bedsheet drives me crazy. Like really the sound and the feeling of finger nails on sheets makes me nauseous. Thinking about it right now makes me nauseous. One time my little sister knowing this about me decided to follow me around the house scratching on a pillow case or something. I choked her sooo hard it scared me. I couldnt help it. It was instinct.

3. The first and only Prince song I have ever listened to in its entirety is Adore and that was when I was 21 and my boyfriend made me a love song cd. I didnt even know it was Prince I had never heard the song before( but i luvh it!). This is because when I was little my big sister told me that if you play the purple rain record (which I just got as a gift) backwards you will hear satanic messages. She then proceeded to play the record and tried to lock the doors and make me listen to it. ( my sisters sound really evil huh? lol dont worry I have them beat!)

4. Im psychic. lol. you dont have to belive me if you dont want to. but I know stuff. Im telling you! lol or maybe the quirky part is that I think Im psychic huh? lol

5. I worked as a phone sex operator for about 2 weeks. I earned 6$ which I have yet to recieve!In that time I had a frequent customer that was woman from England ! And if that wasnt strange enough she always wanted me to shove a dildo up my ass and scream really loud. It was all really bad acting on my part thus the 6$ pay check.

6. I am very indecisive and I flip coins to make decisions on a regular baisis. But I cant take the first flip. I have to do 3 out of 5. And sometimes depending on how important the decision is that Im making I do 2 out of 3 of the 3 out of 5. Crazy right!

Okay im going to start this then Im going to lunch. You know ive been trying to figure out this straight or lesbian thing right. Well this week I had sex with a man! .. i think. It was so brief I barely remember it. And my body doesnt remember it either! So sounds like that one gets scratched off the record. I told dude youre really not making a good anti-lesbian case here partna! That ordeal prompted me to call my girlfriend. Okay Im lying I didnt call I just sent her some pictures and a txt msg and she called me! lol. We had broken up. It was going on 2 weeks and I was fine. But I needed some affection. Anyway. She came over and handled it! Put it down! like Im officially turned out now. Big Daddy would be so upset if he knew the things I was letting her do because I wont let him do it! lol. Anyway. I will go into further detail when I return. time to eat! Oh and I got another tattoo last night!

This will be a Rant

2006-05-01T05:40:00.000-07:00

Hello All!

I know Ive been slacking on my blogging lately. I will do better. Especially now that Ive updated the memory on my slow ass home computer! Im so excited! The broke boy told me what to do I thought I was going to have to buy a whole new computer! See he has uses!

Okay where do I start. These last two weeks have been quite event full. I was on vacation from work last week. I took off 4 days to stay home and relax and reflect on my life. Last wednesday was the 2 year anniversary of my assault. Last year I was a wreck. I had all these things planned. Spa appointments, dinner, a show. I did none of it. I laid down and cried most of the day. I thought a lot. I tried to paint but couldnt. Anyway this year was better. I woke up in the morning feeling pretty strong. My car broke down the night before so that cut out most of my plans to leave the house. lol. Um yeah I was feeling strong. I know that since this happened Ive started ignoring certain things about myself. Things that took too much effort to adress or change. So I took that morning to really think and work those things out. I wrote in my jornal and read the bible. There is this one scripture that had been coming into my head recently. Resist the devil and he shall flee you. It was coming to mind due to a situation with my girlfriend. Which I am exhausted with. And I need to resist her ass. we will get to that later. anyway I found the passage in James but I have the T.D. Jakes Woman thou art Loosed Bible and he has these little commentaries. The one for that passage was about the devil trying to steal your passion. It said the devil is trying to steal something from you that you cant even see. He wants to discourage you. I realized this was happening to me. The last couple of years of my life has drained my passion. Passion for everything, school, love, family, even smoking and sex. Im not excited about anything I do now a days. Its all kinda routine. Kind of futile and pointless. So I have to fight. I have to bruise his head. Cuz this is some bullshit. I heard something else on church tv on easter that also stuck with me. This pastor said you have to stop focusing on the facts and focus on the truth of Gods word. The facts will have you in despair. it is soooooo true. the facts of my life will have me feeling like fuck it all. So yeah I was talking about wednesday morning right. I was feeling good. I decided that I am putting this behind me. I will not mention it any more ( unless I want to) I will not think of my life as b.a & a.a. before assault and after assault. I will not tell new people I meet about it as a disclaimer for dealing with me. If I do tell the story it will be to tell people about how God saved my life and all that I have over come. Okay then I decided to call my lawyers and the detective. I am suing the apartment complex I was living in at the time for a number of reasons. Last time I spoke to the lawyer he told me he had filed suit. That was in March. When I called on wednesday he called me back and left a message saying that they filed suit last week and they need to talk to me about the litigation process. Umm okay can we be truthfull please!! Then I called the head of the sex crime unit of Atlanta P. D. who again reconfirmed that theyre are no new leads and that I should keep calling.
So as strong as I was feeling as soon as I got off the phone I broke down and bawled. Somewhere a small part of me was hoping soooo hard that he would tell me that they have found a dna match and they got my attacker. But no..no such luck for me. And this is where the struggle to stay positive occurs. I am extremely furious that I have no answers. Its just not right and fair and this is what has me disillusioned by life. Then I deflate and loose my will and I fall into pointless or destructive behavior and patterns. So I reach for my girl Mary J. and my tears dry up. At the same time though I decided to pray. This is something only God can do. So Im giving it to God and leaving it alone. Then my phone rings and its a friend who Ive taken some space from because I didnt feel that she loved me as much as I love her and my feelings were getting hurt. Anyway she was calling to see if I was alright! She remembered! It was so sweet! I felt loved! Thank You!

Okay I have to do some work. I will be back shortly. Sanging diva I have not forgotten my tag!

Good Morning!

2006-04-18T05:44:00.000-07:00

Hiya,

Thanks to those of you who left comments recently! I forgot to come back to my last post. My days have been blurry lately. My feelings conflicted. April is a weird month for me. Its always gloom mixed with gladness, feelings of hopeless helplessness mixed with incredible gratitude and a new zeal for life. April 26th is the 2 year anniversary of my assault. I don't like to think of it that way because it almost seems like Im celebrating the assault. I mark the date because for me it also 2 years since the devil tried to kill me but God would not let him! Its two years since God really performed a miracle in my life. Its two years since I gave myself permission to be unapologetic, bold, and fearless in life. And so with all of that April should be good. But no. Since March Ive been having body memories, and bad dreams. Ive had flashbacks that come back unexpectedly. I dont really cry anymore.. i just sit and stare into outerspace and shake my head at the sadness of it all. Then I start to think about after the assault when I came back to NY an all the drama that was going on between my mom and I. And I put this whole thing into the timeline of my life and it gets more depressing. The assault is really the least of it. Its the way the event changed my life.. I was in school, I was living far away from here. Its the way its changed my thinking and my freedom. That is slightly good. No rose colored glasses for me. Anyway I was watching church t.v. this weekend and this pastor said something that really made sense to me. He said stop focusing on the facts and focus on the truth of Gods word. If we focus on the facts (which is a lie from the devil) we will fall into despair. This is so true and it is what I have been doing. If I focus on the facts... I will be a lesbian. Maybe lesbian is the wrong term. Ive been using it loosely.. I think a lesbian is a female whos primary attraction is towards another woman. There is usually zero attraction to males. So thats not me. I can still have sex with a man. And If hes good I will enjoy it. I can still look at a mans body and see the beauty in it. Like I told this jerk at my job its not the dick I have a problem with its the man attatched to the dick I cant deal with. Anyway even though I can remember having a crush on a female as a little girl it was nothing major. Nothing like the crushes I had on boys that made me feel queasy...sometimes drunk. For a long time I was not attracted to women. They would do nothing for me. As a matter of fact I found this book I had in undergrad called All about Me where it asks you a lot of questions and you fill it out and give it to someone else. Anyway one question was name something you will never do. And my something was have sex with a woman. When I read that I busted out laughing. Like was I serious??? Anyway back to my original point which was if I focus on the facts I would be a lesbian. Yes the facts for my life are that people hurt you. Men especially. I dont buy the whole married with kids template that society pushes on us. So all my life Im supposed to work towards being sexy, smart, virtuous, generous, nurturing, strong, essentially perfect so that some man can look at me and say you know what youre okay, Im going to take you home and let you cook, clean, and raise our kids for the next 20 years as long as you keep it hot and freaky so I dont get bored and replace you with the next best thang. That idea does not excite me. I have friends who get giddy at the idea of a family dinner, or a family vacation, and Im like ugh that is sooo overrated. I stopped playing house in the 1st grade it was boring and repetitive!!! lol. So I dont know what the answer is. I embarked on this journey to see if I can really relate to a woman in a relationship. Ive tried to do it with two women so far and its not working. lol. Maybe the fact that they both wound up having boyfriends confounded the variables a little bit but in any case I dont think its going to work. Women are women we expect to be pursued, catered to, and pampered. We want people to intuitively pick up on things and to treat us like we are the center of the universe. Which we are and there is nothing wrong with that. Only thing is when we have two feminine women whos doing to pursuing, catering, pampering?? Im like (neck rolling) please not me! and shes like umm hmm not me either! lol. Anyway Ive just been babbling on and on. But its good for me. I feel better right now. And since these rat bastards keep walking in my office like I work here or something maybe I should pay attention to the words that are coming out of their mouths. UGH!

April is here!!!

2006-04-10T05:53:00.000-07:00

Hello Peoples!

I know its been a while. Most of you know what Ive been up to. I moved!!!! Yesssss!!!! YESSSSSSS!!!!!!!! I moved!!!!!!! Finally. Let me tell you it hasnt been easy. I was looking for apts frantically. I told all my friends if I cant find an apt by April 1st I am packing my shit and Im leaving the state. Then I thought about it and I said that is drastic and its something Ive done a couple of times before and its not the solution. I wasnt finding anything in my price range (800-1000) that was nice, safe, and convienent..or that you didnt need good credit to get. So I was depressed and angry and I prayed about it and I went to see this apt. which I never expected to like because it was a share...but I loved it! And I love my house mates!!! lol. You all are more than welcome to come by. (even if we are not really friends anymore U know who you are! ) Theres going to be a party on Thursday!! I went crazy at home depot. My room is very "decorative" I will try to post some pics but then I dont want you all stealing my ideas (JAYE!) lol. Ive only been there a little over a week and theyre are already some funny stories to tell. but ill get to that later. Let me give some brief updates.

1. Big daddy wants to have a baby!! lol its like he is reading my mind. Hes been dropping hints here and there but yesterday he told me he wants to have a baby soon. like before we get married. like next month!!! I said im there Im there. But there is a catch I have to stop smoking and I have to get rid of my girlfriend..or "get it out my system" as he puts it...which leads me to my next point

2. Im a fucking Lesbian!!! lol girrrlll I dont know what else to say! My girlfriend is crazy, and she lies, but I cant leave her ass alone. lol. litterally. lol. I cant I cant! The things she does to me! the things I do to her!!! Just thinking about it makes me want to get up and jog around this building! lol for real! Im scared. For a while I was saying I want a girl to really put it on me.You always hear about a woman turning another woman out with her sexual skills.... never really went that way for me. Sometimes I was the one turning people out. lol. but honey chile let me tell you!!! I dont know what it is!!! (Yes I do but im not going to go into detail. email me if you really want to know.) I can tell you one thing. That girl made her booty clap for me the other day during an...intimate moment. I was stunned! I was like Oooooohhhhhh SHIT! lol. how you do that? lol. I have seen many bootys clap on tv, at the club, at home practicing with my friends...but this was different. So I am now the founding member of the clut of Lex. okay okay thats enough of my lesbian outbursts. it is safe to continue reading. lol. Oh yeah it is also my mission to get a fatter ass. its been added to my daily prayer requests " thank you for this day lord and can you please make my booty as big as my lesbian girl friends?" think it will work?? I think so!

3. Jaye is trying to steal that broke ass nigga from me. I set them up so they can tutor eachother. He got her to drive him around and spend her money just like he did to me. lol. She can have him. She can afford him much more than I can and seeing as how she just go rid of her last bitch she needs a new one. And this one Jaye.. has a u.s. passport and a degree!

4. Im going to do some work right now. Ill be back later.

Top 10-20 Reasons Why I Have Not Had Sex With A Man...continued!

2006-03-29T06:03:00.000-08:00

11. I was considering putting in a booty call to my sexy ass ex named Venom. I mentioned it to my friend Nene and she reminded me of what happened the last time I saw him (this is why its good to tell your friends all your business. they can remind you when you forget!).... We had our intimate moment which was... good enough. I left the room to go to the bathroom and came back in to find Venom laying face down on the bed. As I got closer to the bed I noticed several long shit streaks on his draws! He must have felt my vibes cause he quickly gathered the stained area and shoved it in his ass crack. Disgusting! Grown ass man cant wipe his ass? You know you got a chick coming and you cant wash your ass. Or change your underwear or take the shit off and hide it! And do you think shoving it up your ass is the soulution?? Thats probably where the problem started.

12. Im talking to this new guy. I was telling him about my week and how sad I was. He says baby if youre feeling down dont hesitate to call me anytime for anything but pretty much after 10 pm thats dead. What??? Dude does not have a cell phone. He lives with his grandparents and so the phone cannot ring after 10 pm. He is a 27 year old man! He doesnt even have a t.v in his room. Im beginning to think he just got out of jail or something. Something aint right. This is beyond broke!

13. Oooh I spent sometime with my guy friend this week. I was mad at him and he was suppossed to be making it up to me. Somehow the evening ended with him on his knees on the drivers seat one of my boobs in his mouth, me pinching his nipple through his shirt while he beats off into his durag. Hey at least I didnt have to suck any tittis this time. Was this his idea of making it up to me? Oh it gets better. I get in the house and realize I left my cell phone in his truck. I go to his house to retrieve it. As I walk up to the door the motion sensor light comes on and the landlord comes out on the balcony. I tell her who Im looking for and she looked at me like I was crazy. Then I pointed to his truck and she said oh ring the first bell. After a while nipps (my new name for him) comes to the door and he is furious. Talking about Im waking everyone up in the house cuz Im ringing the wrong bell. I said I told the lady upstairs who I was looking for and she said ring the first bell. He shouts you told her my real name!!! See this is why we cant rock . I cant deal with these aliases and shit. Just give me my fucking cell phone and let me leave. Ugh!

14. :( big daddy will not be coming this weekend. Im gonna have to wait until May unless I go down there... sigh

oh yeah

2006-03-22T11:31:00.000-08:00

all you skinny or wanna be skinny heffas have been going on and on about the damn gym. So I say Im gonna try to exercise. it was one of my new years resolutions. I have the big excercise ball set that comes with a dvd. So this weekend I popped it in and started the warm up. I got the worst cramp in my hamstring. I tried to ignore it but about 4 min into the tape I had to stop! Okay lets be clear. this was the WARM UP you know step tap step tap step tap squat. And look I get leg cramps. I can handle them. This one was bad. My shit was sore for 2 days. Its a sign!

Sigh

2006-03-22T08:52:00.000-08:00

today I am blue. One of my students died yesteday. He was only 18. He had been a little sick but nothing life threatening..or so we thought. This student was such a sweet, quiet person. He had a daughter who he was so proud of. He worked here afterschool to make money to take care of her. Her 1st birthday is on Saturday and he wont be here to see it. This is my first client death. Its really hurting me. I couldnt sleep last night. It just doesnt make sense. Im beginning to think I have chosen the wrong profession. I cant take all this pain. Right now I dont even work with a population where death is expected. However I am trying to get a job working with teenagers who want to get out of prostitution. I am also looking for something in domestic violence. I had to ask myself why? Why expose yourself to all this gloom, and sorrow? I need a job dealing with numbers or papers or something. Numbers cant dissapoint you, numbers cant die, numbers cant steal your purse if you leave them alone in your office, numbers cant fail the GED, numbers cant get arrested, numbers cant join a gang..

Anyway I started to post yesterday but then I got the news. I was going to write about my weekend. Something crazy always happens. This weekend I was suppossed to go hang out with my new girl/boyfriend,. Trust me it was going to be some nice clean fun. But that didnt happen because chica got impatient. Apparently I took to long to call her after I left work. So she is throwing a temper tantrum and her boyfriend is calling me talking about how could I do that to her. How could I say Im goign to do something then not do it. She was waiting all day for me to eat and she was starving. Yeah these people are crazy just like I thought. Dont know what the real problem is but its theirs not mine. If I tell you friday night Im going to come over and were going to cook and chill. If I get off of work at 5:00 and I live 45 min away from my job. I tell you I want to go home and shower and change what time do you think I should be ready to leave? Would you eat nothing all day until I got there? I called her at 7:30 so maybe its me but shes tripping. And whats even funnier is the boyfriend. Why the hell is he calling me? When he was talking to me I was just giggling. He did not appreciate that at all. lol. Only me!

So then I was going to go to the movies with my friend Jaye. Some negro stood her up Friday night. We were going to have a girls night. Oh then my phone rings and one of the "nice, great" guys I know is trying to see me. He wants to go to the movies! I was excited. Until....lol. He asked me to pick him up from his friends house and take him home then he wanted to try to rush me. What nigga? He talking about its cold outside. If you so cold walk your ass home like the grown man that you are. It was only 4 blocks away! Then we get to his house and hes trying to kiss me. I already told him that I dont kiss on the first date. Get out my face. Oh then we get to the movies and I being the polite independent woman that I am took out some money as we approached the counter. He ordered the tickets paid for it with his card then turned and took the 10$ out my hand. So Im thinking hes freelancing right now okay.. he will pay for my snacks. Umm no. He stood by and watched me order and pay then he orded his and paid for it with the 10 dollars he just took from me! I was so turned off. NOw I understand the plight of the broke black man. but can you say something. Say times are hard boo sorry. Say something! You know. Im just disgusted. Ohh and he wanted to make smart comments about my driving. I hit the lock and told him Umm there is a bus stop right there! Then we went to the gas station because I needed a dutch... and gas. My gas tank was on E the light was blaring. You think he would offer me the 4$ he had left from my 10$ ..NOPE. you think he would offer to take the money inside since it was 2:30 am! NOPE do you think the little nigga would pump my gas or maybe turn the car off for me while I pump NOPE NOPE NOPE. He had the nerve to get out while im pumping to talk to me. Im like look get back in the car and quit embarassing me. I was already tight because the security guard at the gas station wound up being a former student. Im like damn there is no escaping yall! Had to find another store after I dropped dude off. And to top it off the baller still tried to kiss me when he was getting out! But he is a man yall! He has a penis and that is the prize isnt it!

Top 10-20 Reasons Why I Have Not Had Sex With A Man..recently. .

2006-03-17T06:29:00.000-08:00

1. So Im kissing on my "friends" neck and he says damn you have a strong tounge for a girl. hmmm how should I interpret that? He gets no ass!

2. Big Daddy has been emailing me videos for a couple of months now. I couldnt open them before because I didnt have the right program installed. When I finally got to watch them..EVERY SINGLE LAST ONE was him jerking off. Yes. no words. no faces. just cock and hands. Why please tell me why?

3. Every one has a girlfriend, wife, or live in babys momma. I do not share well.

4. I refuse to meet someone new and screw them right away and all the dudes I know.. suck.

5. Okay so my girlfreind has a boyfriend and she says we can share! Umm catch is boyfriend looks like a crackhead and is quite possibly as gay as she is! Girlfriend and I will be taking a trip to the CLINIC!

6. There is a guy at work who has offered to take me to the park and rock my world. Aside from the fact that he is 11 years older, 4 inches shorter and makes 12 thousand dollars less than I do a year...Umm hello I am 27 I do not screw in parks anymore. And the last time I did that ( is was 26! lol) I was left with multiple mosquito bites, bee stings or something on my ass which resulted in me spending over 100$ for a tattoo to cover it! My back was sore, my arms hurt, my leg was cramping up. Uh Uh! Oh and why are we going to the park????see reason #3.

7. I get a call at 7:00am just about 3 times a week from my guy friend demanding, begging, or attempting to blackmail and guilt trip me into sending him pictures of my boobs from my cell phone. Okay I admitt I have done it before. But that was a one time treat. Save the picture and look at it again! Its the same damn titti! Why do you need a brand new pic of it? Oh but then he wants to make special requests like hold this one and lick that one. Umm No. I am not your personal pornstar!

8. The last 3 times Ive hung out with my guy friend with the intention of having some sort of sexual contact that results in ME having an orgasm. It ended with me licking his nipples for 3 min before he released himself into a towel. Yeah so I figure If Im gonna suck a titti maybe i should find one thats hairless and doesnt taste like armpitt!!!! Like for real its bad enough youre a grown MAN asking me to lick your nipples but do you think you coulda washed them first???

9. Okay these are on me: Im fat. Yes I know. I dont work out. Honestly my ignorant attitude is if when im fat I have niggas stalking me, and climbing through my bedroom window in the middle of the night what the fuck will happen if Im skinny?? Excuses excuses I know but can you blame me? Its not my fault im so fine! lol

10. Whenever I start to feel like I need to put some effort into finding a boyfriend I talk to one of you people who do have relationships and you change my mind. I will stay my happy single self. This way I dont have to deny the fact that my man is cheating, my man is gay, my man is a leech, my man cant wash his ass, or best of all my man is not my man...we are just fucking.

stuff

2006-03-16T06:54:00.000-08:00

So this morning I feel like shit. Im sitting at my desk with the lights off, flute music playing, and a thermometer in my mouth. I have a migraine. It might be a hangover. So let me tell you about yesterday. Got to work on time...ish. Talked to my some of my friends in the morning. Went to a meeting. Then all hell broke loose at my job. About 3 fights broke out and all of them involved my students. So you can imagine the drama. And the lengthy, conflict resolution sessions I had. Ugh. I finally went to lunch at 2:20 I decided to drive and treat myself to something different. On the way I decided to call my baby. Big Daddy and I have been having a rough period. I havent been calling enough. He has been throwing tantrums.. being mean when I do call. Taking things I share with him and throwing it back in my face. He almost got the boot over that one. As a matter of fact he did get the boot he just didnt know it. Then he apologized and all is well. Its a strange feeling when I talk to Big Daddy. He has a way of calming me down and making me feel like a little girl. Its a good feeling. Its been a loooooooooonnnnnnnnggggggg time since I have had that feeling with anyone. It has been YEARS since I have been able to close my eyes and lay my head on someone and feel totally relaxed, secure, and comfortable. That is the thing I needed most over the last few years. Anyway we had a good convo he was on his way to work. Hes coming to see me on the 31st! Whooo Hoooo! Im sooo excited. I cant wait to see my baby! I cant wait to smell him. To kiss him I can feel it right now! I luv those lips, I know those lips. I cant wait to put my heads in the palm of his hand. My baby is a giant. He is 6'11. See why I call him Big Daddy. lol. And my whole head can fit in the palm of his hand! And of course thier is the cock! (cheering) COCK! COCK! COCK! COCK! YEAAAAA FOR COCK! lol please excuse me its been sooo long. I have not had sex with a man in 2006! Okay. Hopefully little miss period will cooperate.

My lack of man action brings me to my next topic. Am I a lesbian? hmmm? So I was talking to Jaye last night as we drove halfway across the city to go to our first lesbian bar. (ALLLLL her Idea) I was telling her that all my leisure time is spent doing something that involves chicks. Umm do i need to say that I...date women. Its something I had experimented with in the past but after my assault, and just a whole lot of thinking I decided I want to really try to see if I can have a relationship with a woman. Its really not as easy as it sounds. Women I have found, have issues. These issues..to name a few are called secret boyfriends, secret husbands, secrets from boyfriends, active imaginations, a false sense of entitlement, self absorption, and attitudes! lol. I still love them though. I dont even notice men in the street anymore. I dont pay a lot of attention to my male suitors at all. There are about 4 really nice, great guys who are showing interest in me right now. These are guys I went to highschool and college with oh one is Jayes cousin ( i think hes given up) so I know these guys and they are really on the up and up. The only one who gets a phone call is Big Daddy and thats becuase he knows how to push my buttons. Sexually its wierd. I really enjoy being with a woman. I also enjoy being with a man. However when I have been with men sometimes in the middle of it I find myself wanting a womans touch. When I have been with women (well except for the first time I did it) I have not missed a mans touch. My body also reacts better to a womans touch. lol yall know im trying to be as decent as possible. I am at work. So I dont know what that means. It could be the fact that women are still new and exciting to me. What do you think. While I want a relationship witha woman Im willing to give a serious committed relationship a try with Big Daddy. I have a girlfreind. He knows about her. He actually doesnt have a problem with it even though he knows he will not be included. I will give her up though. Its not fair to ask someone to share. Its not healthy. But for right now he lives 1081 miles away and she..does not. So what do yall think? Am I a lesbian?

pics

2006-03-13T09:37:00.000-08:00

Okay this thing is getting on my nerves. I was trying to add these pics in my last post but it wasnt working. anyway here are two pics. This little sugar baby belongs to my bestest friend since the 4th grade Allure (who by the way according to my voicemail is on her way to NY with her mans AK 47 to ride on these fools in NY who are messing with me!). Isnt he just the cutest fattest brownest baby in the whole world. Look at those dimples! He is sitting on the steps of P.S. 251 the elementary school his mom and I met at 20 years ago!!!

Okay this is from Nenes birthday party! lol. I love this pic.
I want to draw it.

Hmm I have another pic of Jaye I want to post....
Let me see how much she will offer me not to post it first!
lololol. my how camera phones come in handy!

My hair, my weekends, my pics

2006-03-13T08:27:00.000-08:00

Hola!

I did my hair this weekend. I was not tempted to perm! I tried not using shampoo to wash my hair this time. I heard about it before and read about it on another bloggers page (donna) and said let me give it a try. Girl It worked so well. First my hair felt clean and smelled good. I made sure to "wash" it about 3 times just to be sure. The permed part of my hair was a little tangled when I was finshed which was surprising. But the natural part of my hair was marvelous. It was not painfull to comb. But the biggest benefit was when It came time to braid it. Just to remind you. Im going natural. Its been 5 months since my last perm. Im wearing a sewn in weave with some flat twists in the front. This works for me because my real hair stays braided and untouched underneath. Usually when its time to cornrow my hair I have to slap a whole lot of that cheap carot oil cream or hair mayonaise stuff to work with my new growth. This time my hair followed my fingers easily and all i needed was a little oil for my scalp! I cut some of my perm off last month. And even though I said I wasnt going to put my face up here here it is! This is how I looked when I took the old braids out. I love it. This is how i hope to wear my hair once its all natural. I know a couple of natural people and most of them wear such tame hair styles. When I get my hair up and running Im going to be radical! lol. but if you know me you knew that already. Want to see my progress? Okay this one is after my no-poo wash. The other two are during the braiding process. lol. See my new growth!

IM GONNA JUMP!!!!!!

2006-03-10T07:14:00.000-08:00

Operation freefall 2006

Dear Blogger Friends!

On April 29, 2006, I’ll be participating in the nation’s boldest, highest-altitude, and most daring effort to put an end to sexual assault. It’s called Operation Freefall: The Two-Mile High Stand Against Sexual Assault. I’ll be joining thousands of people at skydive centers across the country who will take to the sky and jump, to raise awareness and money for sexual assault. I know you are saying, “You’re not a skydiver!” You’re right, but I don’t need to be. I’ll be making a tandem skydive with a United States Parachute Association licensed tandem master. If you don’t believe I can do this, I’ll show you the video I’ll receive as a souvenir of my jump and statement.

By participating in Operation Freefall, I’ll be raising funds for Speaking Out About Rape (SOAR) and the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN) to help:

Maintain and expand the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1.800.656.HOPE and the National Sexual Assault Online Hotline (operated by RAINN) to ensure access to free, confidential counseling to victims of sexual assault, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
Extend efforts to provide prevention, recovery, and prosecution information to tens of millions of people, across the country and in your community, each year.
Expand SOAR’s programs to educate lawmakers, police officers, students and the media about sexual assault.

I’ve agreed to raise $ 600 before April 1st, and I need your help. Would you consider making a tax-deductible pledge to help me meet my goal? I’ve enclosed a pledge form for you. Please look the form over and designate the amount that’s right for you. You can give the form to me next time I see you, mail it to me at the address below, or send it directly to SOAR along with your contribution made payable to Operation Freefall.

The FBI categorizes rape as the second most violent crime a person can experience, second only to murder. To put it another way, it’s the most violent and traumatic crime any victim lives to remember. Every two minutes, another American is sexually assaulted. It is the most under-reported of all crimes in the United States. The effects of sexual violence affect all of us. That is why I’ve committed myself to this event. I hope you’ll share in this incredible adventure by supporting me in my fundraising efforts. Of course, if you want to jump, too, let me know and I’ll get you registration materials. You can also check out www.operationfreefall.com.

Thank you in advance for your generosity.

Somemeofbeauty
A Project Of SOAR & RAINN

SOAR 817a Virginia Drive Orlando FL 32803
email: info@soar99.org (407) 898-0693

RAINN 635-B Pennsylvania Ave SE Washington DC 20003
email: info@rainn.org (800) 656-4673 ext. 3

www.operationfreefall.com

yess people im gonna jump. I was going to say if youre really close to me then you know what this is about but why be cryptic Im just gonna put it out there. I was raped. Almost 2 years ago I was more than raped. I was stalked. My stalker broke into my apt. I was held hostage for 4 hours. I had a gun put to my head. I was told repeatedly that Im going to die. I was told that I have no right to be sitting on all this good pussy and not sharing it. I was told that Im a freak and I like it. I was almost kidnapped. I was almost killed. So I survived. April 26th will make 2 years. Im alive but for a long time I was not happy about it. My life had been hard up to that point and I really felt like that was the final straw. I wanted to jump. I thought about jumping out of my bedroom window daily. But it wasnt high enough. Then there was the window in my counselors office..but she was sooo cute I got distracted. Anyway when I heard about this event It made me cry. I am gonna jump. Its soo perfect. If you want to donate and help me raise the 600$ I would really really appreciate it. But If I dont recieve any donations Im going to try to pay for it myself but you can support me by coming with me on April 29th. So let me know. April is sexual assault awareness month ironically. There are several events going on that I will be participating in. Le tme know if you want to join me!

2006-03-09T09:45:00.000-08:00

Okay just wanted to expand on some of my previous posts. Guess What.. I got my period. Okay this was the first period Ive had all year! Last period was in December. You know my paranoid mind right. You know I own stock in First Response now right! lol. It only lasted 3 days. Its still possible! lol.

Guess what I got a tattoo- I was having a tense weekend. I wanted to do something different. I had some blemishes I wanted to cover, the anhk is the symbol for life and fertility so I figured my ass was a good spot to put it. Honestly Ive been a little worried about my fertility considering how crazy my cycle has been lately. So it all made sense to me. I was splizzered when I got it ofcourse! I had a big strawberry daquari, a sex on the beach and 3 shots of tequila. We went to a bar that had happy our. We were outside looking at a poster for a wet underwear contest. When we went back inside there was a man in a g-string dancing on the bar, rubbing his package all around another male patrons head. We were like OHHHHHH its that kind of bar. Thats why the sign said wet underwear instead of wet t-shirt contest. lol. So we left there shortly there after. I went with my crazy friend Nene to get the tattoo. As soon as I took off my pants and cocked my ass up on the chair bike back style Nene decideds to go into my bag take out my journal and read it out loud in the tatoo parlor. I had to hop off the chair while flashing half of my cooch to the poor tattoo guy. She then decided to run out of the parlor to the street and dared me to step out and get it. You know I did right. In nothing but socks, panties with one ass cheek hanging out ( you know it hangs right lol) and a short shirt! We were in the villiage no one noticed. lol.

Well I had a wonderfully exhausting night last night. Got to work 3 hours late. Lol. Whoo!

I found my Cock

2006-03-06T16:42:00.000-08:00

lol. here is my cock pic. i finally found it on my pc.

For Real!! Guess What!!

2006-03-06T11:17:00.000-08:00

I got a Tattoo!!!! Yess I did I did! Shh its a secret! lol. I got it last night. Its an ankh, its on my ass, and its HUGE! lol. Im so exicted. For those of you who dont know what an ankh is im posting a pic. This tattoo has a lot of meaning for me. Anyway more to come I have to tell you all about my weekend!

Guess What!

2006-03-01T11:44:00.000-08:00

I got my period!!! lol

2006-02-28T12:00:00.000-08:00

For those of you who were concerned... Yes I am still alive!

Call for further details! lol

BTW.. As I type this there are several students running and screaming through the hallway because they passed the GED exam. I was screaming myself when I called to get the results. One of my favorite students passed today and another who is just a mess.... but Im so proud of him because people have him pegged as a goon...he may be a goon but hes a goon with a GED!!! See my job is not all bad!

Okay im gonna try to post these pictures again. I tried like 3 times yesterday. dont know what happened.

This was my first completed sketch. Actually it was my second the first sketch I ever did was one of my sisters face. That was the first time I ever drew anything that looked good! It does not have a name.

This one is called " INVASION". It was my first abstract.

his one is called "remembering"

"Thinking of YOU.....nigga" lol one of my all time favorites. I love the idea. I want to do it over now that Im a little more experienced. This sketch was inspired by Adam. Most of you know who he is. It was yet another night that he said he was on his way and did not show up. If you cant tell its a girl stiting on the toilet wiping her ass. lol.

My wild weekend and some pics

2006-02-27T07:47:00.000-08:00

Okay remember a couple of weekends ago when my friends were coming to town. Well we had a fabulous time! Well I did at least. I drank like a college student then had indigestion for like 2 days. Some pepto bismol fixed that right up. We went out Saturday and Sunday night. Okay so Sunday Jaye and her husband , another married couple, Empress, a girl named T, and myself all went out. We gathered at the couples house and mingled until like 2 in the morning. At that point T suggested that we go down to the strip club that she bartends at. It was free and that was all I needed to hear! lol. We got the VIP treatment as soon as we got there! They announced us, got us a table right in the front!(lol) and sent us a couple of rounds of free tequila shots! ( thus the indigestion). Just as a side bar. I realize that Im a bad girl! lol. out of all my friends that weekend I drank the most, when people couldnt take their shots they passed it to me like shell drink it! I wore the most scandolous outfit and I made sure the my friends changed into something scandalous as well! Im already the tallest so I just felt like a big bad girl. Like the madam or something. lol. anyway. Towards the end of the night Empress and I decided to get lapdances. Those girls were working so hard on the laps of those sweaty mexican dudes we decided to give them a break. So we go over to the dimly lit section where lap dances are done. Empress gets this hispanic chick I get a black chick in a white outfit. Lap dances begin. I was just giggling. I was really paying more attention to Empress and her dancer and the husband of Jayes friend whos eyes were just popping out his head. lol. Anyway Empress dance is over and shes getting up. My stripper gets up too but she turns around and climbs up on my lap facing me and starts grinding. Im like okay!! This girl is really working it out. I was kindof ignoring her for the first song but now I have no choice but to pay attention to what shes doing to me. She leans forward to get up and lightly touches my breasts! Im like wait a minute now! She asks me how I want it...I tell her to turn around. She does, she bends over backs her ass all the way up and goes to work! Meanwhile everyone is wating for me in the corner. Theyre staring at me like what are you doing to the stripper!!! lol I called Empress over and asked her for some money because I had already given up the 17 singles I had. 10 for the dance 7 as a tip. The stripper stops me and says no baby its okay! What??? I still strategically place 5 singles in her outfit. And the dance continues. Okay its 4 am now. Lights went on then back off. A small crowd of mexicans begins to form. Even the staff was just standing around watching. There was a guy waiting for a dance from her who was getting restless. lol. the girls husband is looking like a cartoon charachter his head is facing straight but his eyes are glued to the side as he tries to catch a glimpse of the action without pissing off his wife who was so gracious as to let him attend the strip club and get several lap dances! Men! Finally Jaye and her big mouth shouts come on we are leaving you! lol and the stripper says okay, okay, okay. My legs are numb because shes been dropping her body weight down on them over and over as she grinds her crotch against mine! Yeah thats the most action Ive had all year!!! im in love with a stripper!!! lol
Of course I had to soak my jeans and poncho got in some Dettol and hot water overnight because when she was done there was a wet spot that Im pretty sure wasnt mine! lol. So we leave the club and T the girl who bartends tells me that stripper is 50 years old! and her daughter also works at the club! I said eewwww! first of all she looks maybe 30 definately not 50!! But I dont want to think too much about it because it will ruin my fantasy! lol.

okay now for part 2...

lol. here are some old sketches. Theyre from my very first sketch book I found this weekend.

Hard Times....

2006-02-27T07:00:00.000-08:00

Okay this post is overdue. Its actually about 4 posts in one. Im a procrastinator..what can I say. Yeah and I might get a little graphic so If you dont know me like that you should stop reading. If you are one of my students.. yeah you should stop reading! trust me.! lol

Okay first funny story! Last night I went to bed kinda early. Im all warm and cozy in my bed mouth open face down drooling lol and I wake up for some reason. Im felling very ... turned on. I feel warm and muscles are clenching.. I slide my hands down my warm body to that magic spot and yup its moist. Hmm what was I dreaming about I ask myself. Im laying there trying to remember while barely staying awake but I cant concentrate on what I may have been dreaming. My body is doing its own thing, muscles are just popping away I squeeze my legs together and roll over on my back then I realize what it is! Im hearing a loud buzzing noise coming from next door. My stepfather is in the bathroom shaping up his beard and the sound of the clippers is reminscent of my vibrator. UGH! UGH! UGH! These are definately HARD TIMES!!!! When buzzing can wake me up out of my sleep and have me ready to go!!! HELP!!! lol.

Okay now for my hair. I washed my weave this week and the little bang piece. Im sorry but Im soo geeked Im posting a pic of my new growth. Its been 5 months since my last perm. For those of you who know me you know its been a struggle. I ve had a complex about the peas on the back of my neck since junior highschool! lol

Update

2006-02-16T08:39:00.000-08:00

Well just wanted to let you all know how Im doing on my New Years Resolutions.

Okay first my hair right. You know I'm trying to go natural. So I had a weave and I took it out this weekend. And chile my perm finger was itching!! trust me! I cant help but think of how nice,long, and healthy my hair would look if I permed it now. So I washed it and blow dried it and took pictures of my new growth and I was soo inspired by my little inch of live hair that I decided to cut my perm. So I cut like 3 or 4 inches off. This should cut down on my temptation to perm. Yes so I feel good about that!.

I didnt go to my art class this week. Im saving every penny because Im trying to move by the 3/1. And two of my bestest friends in the whole wide world are going to be in NY this weekend at the same time! Im so excited. Im gathering all my friends and we are going out on Saturday. Its gonna be Jaye, Me, Allure, Empress, and maybe Lexi oh and Jayes friend Africa. lol . Its gonna be a very naughty weekend... I hope.

Im doing great on the "only give your time and energy to available , deserving people". Its really simple to. Its funny someone told me that a couple of months ago. That its really simple. You just have to make up your mind that you want more and accept nothing less. I didnt belive her. Irony.

On second though Im not doing that well because well remember L. Umm L has put an offer on the table that Im struggling to turn down. Its a shame. If someone told me this story I would say run!! run fast! run far! lol but for some reason Im still chewing on it. We will see what happens.

Havent exercised one bit.

I have been getting more sleep..at night rather than in the morning! lol.

Smoking...nah I cant even lie. Havent made any progress on that one. Well no thats not true. There have been several nights and days that I just didnt bother smoking. Its too time consuming. So my feelings about Mary and changing Slowly but Surely.

Sex... hmm. Im doing bad on this one. the thing is sometimes I feel like. Girl you need to lock this stuff up and dont give it to anyone...ever! lol. Then other times I feel like I need to use it while I can. Im not using it for any thing else like child birth..lol. so I might as well have fun right? Right now Im feeling very amorous. So Im looking for my next target. Who will it be????? Suggestions????

I have been reading more, writing, painting, talking to more people, going out more, so I have been focusing my energy in more positive ways.

A few more

2006-02-15T08:35:00.000-08:00

this is called "the tears of a clown" it is unfinished.

this one does not have a name. Its actually the same person I used for the tears of a clown.

this is one I did from my imagination. I didnt like it because the table is just off. But one of my friends has been asking me for it so Im going to give it to her. I think Im going to the art class today. So there will be more to come.

2006-02-13T11:33:00.000-08:00

This one is called "Prayer Changes Things" after one of my favorite Kim Burell Songs. My favorite part of this pic are her fingers which are interlaced (cant really see it here) and her neck.

This was the 3rd painting I ever did. Her nose is kind of hard to see but I love it. Its acrylic.

This one is called "Compromise"

Its recent.

Blue Nude-- I love it.

Another Nude. Very accurate If I may say so myself. What do you think?? lol

This one is not finished yet. But I dont know that I will finish it. I like the perspective on this one. Yeah I was/am on a cooch kick. I do have quite a few pieces entitled "cock" but I gave most of them as gifts.

"Abstract Me"

from a photo that I inverted on my pc and the colors came out so beautiful I tried to replicate it.

This was an offshoot of "Prayer Changes Things"

This is an early, early, drawing! I think it was my first with colored pencils. This one makes me sad because it was done at a time In my life where I was feeling happy and free and just starting to really explore myself and my art freely. It was suppossed to be a wonderful new era in my life....didnt really go like that.

Finally "For Colored Girls" My heart jumps whenever I look at this because this picture means a lot to me. Her face portrays my own feelings at the time. For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbo Is Enuf. Umm you just dont know! This was the first picture I ever finished..meaning set with fixative and varnished it.

Yes so these are some of my babies. I have a lot more Im going to go home and dig up and photograph and post! lol. Remember Im an artist and im sensitive about my Shit. Soooo If you dont like it Blow It Out Your ASS!! lol . But If you do then leave me a comment!

Some Me of Beauty

2006-02-13T10:38:00.000-08:00

I luved looking at my pictures up here so much I thought I should post some more of my artwork. So here goes

this is a pic that I drew of one of my friends while she was watching t.v. She was not impressed. lol. She really does not look this umm wide in person. lol.

this is the closest you will come to seeing my face! lol. Self portrait.

What Goes Around Really Does... Really Does...Come Back Around Again

2006-02-09T06:02:00.000-08:00

So yesterday was a good good day. Or maybe I should say I feel good about yesterday. Work was the same. Actually we got some bad news that is going to require me to work late for the rest of this week and to come in on the weekend. But thats okay with me. I was able to clarify some things between myself and two other people in my life. I said what I have to say and Im done. I feel good about it. I am clear about it. 100% Some major drama jumped off on the home front. And while its an awful situation it is something I have been talking about for a while. And things are coming full circle. Nobody wanted to listen to me. They thought I was paranoid but see I told ya! . Then I went to my art class and there was a black figure model! Umm hmm. Here are my interpretations. Will write more have to go hit the streets and find my runaway kids! lol

Slowly, Surely

2006-02-07T08:04:00.000-08:00

I walk away from... SELF SERVING, Undeserving, CONSTANTLY HURTING...ME... love.

Let me tell you. God has been sooo good to me! Lately I have really been talking to God. In times of change and great stress I find that I have no where to go but to God to get the answers I need. Sometimes I feel that the things I want to discuss are soo inappropriate that I should just keep it to myself. Which is retarded.. I know. So about two weeks ago I was feeling really conflicted about a decision I had to make. I knew someone who wanted to be roommates and while everything on the surface appeared to be on the up and up I had a weird feeling about this person. Whenever I was around "L" i would feel nervous. But is wasnt a butterfly in your stomach nervousness it was a im not safe nervousness. So on the morning that we were to meet with the landlord I prayed. I shut my office door and closed the blinds took up my bible and really just put everything out on the table. EVERYTHING. I just asked God to reveal to me anything I need to know about this person now. Girl do you know that within hours L acted such a fool. I mean a complete and total jackass, asshole, sun of a b*&%# FOOL! All these things came out that showed me that L was totally not who they presented theirself to be. And it showed me that L was intentionally lying about just about everything just to be around me. While it was a little flattering it did confirm that I was not safe and that my instincts are correct. So I was relieved to find this stuff out before I made any further committments to the landlord. And I was more than comforted in knowing that God did hear me and answered my prayer! God was kind to me. It could have been much much worse. Although the way I found out was confusing and painful and L said some really awful things to me.. i got out of that situation in one piece.

So I continued with my praying asking God to just clean up my life. Reveal the people around me that are good for me and have my best interest in mind. People who I can lean on when I need support. Im a nurturer. I baby people. But I need babying too. Anyway. Last week was very hard. I needed someone to be nice to me. I dont ask for alot. I expressed my needs very specifically to a couple of people and.. the reactions I got were surprising.People who I totally did not expect to be there for me were there totally unselfishly. And people who I thought would be there acted like they were offended that I asked! So God is just clearing things up left and right. But thats not it!

Remember L. Well why did L call me yesterday apologizing! Now this is a person who had previously told me that they dont belived in God. L's exact words were " I belive in God and I belive in punishment after death. I need to apologize because I dont want to be punished for doing something so ignorant". Isnt God good???

RE:Feelings

2006-01-24T06:39:00.001-08:00

Hiya,

I was reading that post (feelings) and thinking this must be how God feels about me. There are so many things that I need to do better. I almost died close to two years ago. I remember standing in the middle of my apartment after the ordeal and staring into space thinking that my life is never going to be the same. It was a good feeling though. I might have still been in shock but I remember feeling like oh my gosh NOTHING is going to hold me back now. Im going to live my life to FULLEST. I just had to. I knew then that all my insecurities and fears didnt matter anymore. They were too petty to pay attention to. Peoples expectations and ideals also were going to have no impact on me anymore. At that moment I felt like the poster child for "survivor". But that never really happened. Instead of feeling energized and impowered by my success at escaping death I felt wiped out. I felt sucked dry by life, worn the fuck out. And I have been living the worn out life since then. Just going anyway the wind blows. Making no definate plans. Cyphoning affection, friendship, closeness for moments from different people here and there. Ignoring the hell out of the miricale that God performed for me. Its so funny. I am psychic. When all this stuff happened. I saw the devils hand in it immediateley. I knew that nothing would please him more than to see me do exactly what Im doing. Living in a box. Ignoring God who has been a close and personal friend of mine my whole life. Although I have reasons. I was very angry with God for a while. And honestly there are some things that I still dont understand but I still have yet to fully acknowledge the miracle, the perfect plan, the way out, the secret hiding place, the over flowing cup that God provided for me. This weekend I listened to some random bootleg Hezikiah Walker CD I have. This song called Im a Survivor really got to me. I have never been one to act a fool in church but I am so sure that I would not beable to help myself...if I went. Thats what Im scared of. What I need to say to God is so so profound that nothing but jumping, shouting, and throwing myself on the ground and rolling around will express it. I have a friend that will get up and run whenever she feels like it. We were at a Grammy party where Jill Scott was performing and Jill started singing some Kim Burell and this friend got up and did a lap around B.B. Kings like she was at church and did not give a damn! lol. Now I understand J!

2006-01-19T08:47:00.000-08:00

Four jobs you've had in your life:
Social Service Specialsit
Graduate Research Assistant
Career Development Specialist
Waitress

Four movies you could watch over and over:
Brown Suga!!
She Hate Me
Queens of Comedy
Untamed Hearts
Love Actually
Bridget Jones Diary

Four places you've lived:
Atlanta, Georgia (s.w.a.t.s & buckhead)
Brooklyn, New York (east flatbush and canarsie)
Miami, Fl. (two months does that count?)
Okay I have lived in a suite with 5 roommates, I have lived in a boarding house with old folks who still smoke weed and drink 40's and eat pork ribs and fatback for dinner 4 times a week!, I have shared a studio apt with a gay man and a woman. I slept in the closet!

Four TV shows you love to watch:
America's Next Top Model
Girlfriends
The L Word (shh)
Real World

Four places you've been on vacation:
Jamaica (several times, several parts)
Mexico (playa de carmen & couzamel)
Cayman Islands
Canada

Four websites you visit daily

yahoo.com
craigslist.com
color quiz.com
ifitoldyouiwouldhaftakillyou.com

Four of your favorite foods:

Spaghetti and (turkey) meat sauce
Macaroni and Cheese
Rice and Peas and gravy
Ice Cream

Four places you'd rather be:

In my bed.
At home.
Atlanta
Heaven

Four albums you can't live without:
Jill Scott -- Who is Jill Scott
Lauryn Hill- the miseducation (listening right now!) and Unplugged (so neccessary)
Kim Burell- Try Me Again
Bob Marley-all of them

Feelings

2006-01-19T07:32:00.000-08:00

I feel today. Sometimes I dont feel anything but today I am feeling. And it hurts. I realize that I tell myself that I dont care what other people think about me. But I really do. Its very important to me. When people do wierd things, or treat me badly, or disregard me I assume various things about what they think of me and that makes me so so sad. That is happening right now. I am very sensitive. I try not to be. Its not working this week. There are people that I know are full of shit. They have been full of shit from day one. So when they do something shitty to me I know its not about me. Its them. But I am still hurt and confused by it. Why??? Why do I care? Why do I expect anything besides shit from these people? Why do I feel the need to still think about and explain and discuss it? And a lot of times what I really want to say or the whole point of the discussion is " I love you. I have nothing but good intentions for you. I know about your shit and I dont care. So you dont have to go through all these antics to disguise your shit. I see it. Ive seen it from day one and I still love you. So why wont you love me back or even just accept the love?? Hmm?" Now Im not even talking about romantic love. Just plain love, positive regard. I realize some people dont want to deal with reality. They are really quick to point out over and over again what you did that they dont like but when trying to discuss what they did that i dont like the response is always...well if its over then its over what is the point in discussing it? I used to think this was a strictly male tactic of dealing with confrontation but these last few months females have been doing it to. Whats most depressing is Im coming to the unavoidable realization that people SUCK. Not men, not women but people. Ugh. And even though I know this. I still need people. I need someone to love me. I do! I need someone who I can trust. Someone who I dont have to keep a footnote on. No special instructions for dealing with this person. When I have a hard day, or when Im feeling overwhelemed and icky I need someone I can rest my head on. One of my favorite poems asks the question "in what direction do you turn when it rains?" My answer... inside out.

2006-01-04T19:04:00.000-08:00

Hiya,

Im not doing anything in particular. Just bored at home. Trying out this doing something positive thing. Yes Im still on the internet but Im on a good site rather than a bad site. Its funny a couple of months back I was lonely..desperately lonely. Now my phone is going off all the time and Im like ugh! I dont even check my messages anymore!So today at work I had a full day. I really felt like I got some good work done. Im really unsatisfied with my job if you cant tell. But today I realized as much as I hate it my job is wonderful!! So in the morning I went into the classroom and watched my students cook. It was really interesting to see them working all together. Blood and Crip side by side. lol. Im awful. But no really its was cool. Then I went to a meeting came out and talked to a parent about her teenaged son who recently got his girlfriend pregnant. This mother holds no punches and she had me rolling as she "discussed her feelings" about the situation. Oh it was too much! After that I talked to one of my favorite students who was trying to help her friend who is in the country illegally find somewhere to have an abortion. This friend has been unable to reach her boyfriend of a year and a half since the day she informed him that she is with child. She has also learned that there is another girl who is pregnant for him. If this friends family finds out they will disown her. So So Sad. After that I went to lunch. I was going to give you the short version of my day and get right to the point but hey this is my blog and I will babble as muuch as I want. Yeah so after lunch I met with one student who wanted to discuss why her attendance has been slacking. The root of the problem is that she doesnt get along with her mother because she was raped when she was in highschool and her mother did not beleive her. Her mother told her she gave her virginity to some boy who turned around and left her and so now shes crying rape. Her MOTHER. yes. After that I met with a student to discuss linking her up with another student of mine so that they can be a support network for eachother. They both recently had still born babies and have not quite healed from the loss. Then I made some phone calls. Got a whole bunch of people in trouble for cutting. Then packed up and went home. Of course all of this is in between sending like 100 personal emails on yahoo, looking for a new job online, doing paper work, entering data, talking with my co workers. So I do alot huh! I feel accomplished. Yeah I may not have gotten through my whole to do list but I think what did get done is huge. Ive been beating myself up for not getting through my to do lists but when I have a to do list its some serious serious stuff. Life changing, life saving stuff. So its okay if I take my time. It has to be done right. Could you imagine if i fucked this stuff up! What if I said the wrong thing to the grieving mother or the survivor of sexual assault? The results could be tragic. The things that didnt get done were a flyer for the colleg fair I'm doing on Monday. Kinda important huh? I think thats the main thing. I was was suppossed to have a group for the college bound studnets didnt do that. Theyll figure it out on Monday. Okay my phone is ringing. Got to go.

update

2006-01-03T11:02:00.001-08:00

Hello Peoples

Just a little update to let you know how Im coming on my resolutions.

1.Okay Im drinking water right now! Yea!!
2. I got lots of sleep this weekend and thus my skin is glowing and Im not that grouchy!
3. Umm no exercise.. I lost 15 pounds in the last 2 months though!! Its a secret diet I was on.
And since I got off I gained 5 back :( BOO!
4. I did some reading this weekend. The Bible, some magazine articles.
5. I did 3 sketches this weekend. The first I dont like at all. Second I like. Third I LUUUUVH but its not done yet. I will post it when its done.
6.umm no comment
7. Oh I ate salad yesterday and greens and blackeye peas on new years that has to count!
8. Yeah not doing that well on this one. I think Im getting better. I might give them my time but not my energy. Not anymore!
9. Yeah thats coming along nicely! Yea for me! Boo for U!
10.Okay this weekend I was looking at these braids and saying oh hell no! Im taking these shits out today and perming by Monday. I need my bang back because my forehead broke out. I look too rough and hard with these braids. I was about to call someone for motivation buuut I figured I need to motivate myself. And I did. I washed it and massaged it with all kinds of good stuff and it looks...better. So do I. I will be taking them out this weekend and getting something else but not a perm!
11. Yes I did do that at like 11 pm last night! lol
12.Hmmm im stuggling with this one. I think Im on ignoring the people that dont deserve me being nice to them. Baby steps!
13. Yeah Im not doing so good with this one. Im working on it though. I have two new male "suitors". We shall see. One lives too far the other...I really have to get to know him so this resoulution is going to have to wait.
14. Umm not yet
15. Ugh this shit... Let me see. Yes I have done a little of that. I did some art this weekend. Usually If Im feeling icky Ill roll a nice spliff then get on the internet and get lost for hours. Or Ill eat, or start picking at my face or something. So Im going to stick with the art. And add some exerfuckingcise! lol. I like that word. Yeah I was contemplating cancelling all my x-rated internet accounts. Ofcourse the fact that some of these are paid memberships has me hesitant. We will see. Oh and I think I did good because there is the figure drawing class I used to go to and I tried to go this weekend since I was feeling "icky" ( like that word too) and I found out they have cancelled my class! How dare they! Anyway if anyone has any suggestions let me know! How are you doing with your resolutions.

My new years resolutions

2005-12-27T19:05:00.000-08:00

1. Drink Water
2. Sleep more
3. Exerfuckingcise if it kills you exercise!!! you must! do something yoga
tai chi something!
4. read more
5. paint and draw more
6. SMOKE LESS!!
7. Eat more vegetables..lol my mom would love this one.
8.ONLY GIVE YOUR TIME AND ENERGY TO DECENT, AVAILABLE, TRUSTWORTHY PEOPLE
9. care less about everything...if thats at all possible.
10. NO MORE PERMS ima really really try to stick to this one.
11. organize
12. be nicer to the people who dont deserve it. cuz face it they will never deserve it and theyre not going anywhere so..shit.
13. Have more sex. Yes I said it. MORE. Umm hmm. Since Im so damn good at it. Im gonna put it to use.
14. Find a church and go.... yeah bad follow up huh?
15. Try ...just try to focus your pain in positive ways. You know its corny. you know the shit doesnt work quite as well as a spliff and some bicardi selcet but lets try it for all the geeks who have been bugging you. So do a damn dance class, join some fucking club, find ya damn sorors as a matter of fact, but mary jane will always be there for ya. Thats why you luh her sooo much.
...Yeah okay that all i can committ to today. there will be more to come.

One More Quiz

2005-12-21T12:04:00.000-08:00

Color Quiz is amazing. Never fails!

Free personality analysis from ColorQuiz.com.Generated on Wed Dec 21 12:04:06 2005.

Your Existing Situation
Volatile and outgoing. Needs to feel that events are developing along desired lines, otherwise irritation can lead to changeability or superficial activities.

Your Stress Sources
Resilience and tenacity are being overtaxed by the continued attempt to overcome existing difficulties. Sticks to her objectives but feels subjected to intolerable pressure. Considers it impossible to change the situation into one of cooperation and mutual trust and so desires to be free of it altogether.

Your Restrained Characteristics
Able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity.
Emotionally inhibited. Feels forced to compromise, making it difficult for her to form a stable emotional attachment.

Your Desired Objective
Fascinated by the idea of an idealized association of tenderness and mutual enchantment. Embarrassed by the thought of allowing this to appear openly, and so employs cautious exploratory tactics in the pursuit of this objective, making sure that she is neither irrevocably committed nor found out.

Your Actual Problem
Failure to establish herself in a manner consonant with her own high opinion of her worth, combined with the continued effort to prove herself with inadequate resources, have resulted in considerable stress. Tries to escape from these excessive demands on her meager reserves by adopting a defensive attitude in which she refuses to be committed, or to be involved in further unpleasantness.

Your Actual Problem #2
Anxiety and restless dissatisfaction, either with circumstances or with unfulfilled emotional requirements, have produced tension and stress. Her attempt to escape from these consists of creating at least an outward semblance of peace by refusing to allow herself to be involved.

colorquiz #2

2005-12-19T19:12:00.000-08:00

Well I said it changes with your mood huh. Right now I am sad. I know I shouldnt be. But I am. I should be pissed off, ennoyed, frustrated, amused...and I am to some degree. But anyway here are my results.

Free personality analysis from ColorQuiz.com.Generated on Mon Dec 19 19:10:43 2005.

Your Existing Situation
Unable to exert the efforts to achieve her objectives. Feels neglected, desiring greater security, warm affection, and fewer problems.

Your Stress Sources
An existing situation is unsatisfactory but she feels unable to change it without cooperation; the need for understanding, for affectionate give-and-take remains unfulfilled. This not only depresses her but makes her irritable and impatient, producing restlessness and the urge to get away from the situation, either actually or, at least, mentally. Ability to concentrate may suffer.

Your Restrained Characteristics
Circumstances are forcing her to compromise, to restrain her demands and hopes, and to forgo for the time being some of the things she wants.
Very exacting in the standards she applies to her choice of a partner and seeking a rather unrealistic perfection in her sex life.

Your Desired Objective
Intense, vital, and animated, taking a delight in action. Activity is directed towards success or conquest and there is a desire to live life to the fullest.

Your Actual Problem
Anxiety and restless dissatisfaction, either with circumstances or with unfulfilled emotional requirements, have produced stress. She tries to escape by intense activity, directed either towards personal success or towards variety of experience.

Your Actual Problem #2
Wants to act freely and uninhibitedly, but is restrained by her need to have things on a rational, consistent, and clearly-defined basis.

Color Quiz

2005-12-19T10:02:00.000-08:00

this quiz is so accurate its scary. all you do is choose the colors that make you feel the best when you look at them. you should choose the colors that you are drawn to at that moment not your favorite color or the ones that usually look good on you. you get your results right away. sometimes when im feeling "weird" and I'm not sure why I take this test and im like damn!! anyway I think i'm going to start bloging my color quiz results everyday. Its really a mood assessment. It can change throughout the day. I'm going to take one later on to see if it changes. Hopefully it will.

Free personality analysis from ColorQuiz.com.Generated on Mon Dec 19 10:02:30 2005.

Your Existing Situation
Dissatisfied. The need to escape continued involvement with her present circumstances makes it imperative for her to find some solution.

Your Stress Sources
An existing situation or relationship is unsatisfactory, but she feels unable to change it to bring about the sense of belonging which she needs. Unwilling to expose her vulnerability, she therefore continues to resist this state of affairs, but feels dependent on the attachment. This not only depresses her. but makes her irritable and impatient, producing considerable restlessness and the urge to get away from the situation, either actually or, at least, mentally. Ability to concentrate may suffer.

Your Restrained Characteristics
Feels that she is burdened with more than her fair share of problems. However, she sticks to her goals and tries to overcome her difficulties by being flexible and accommodating.
Egocentric and therefore quick to take offense. Sensitive and sentimental, but conceals this from all except those very close to him.

Your Desired Objective
Has a powerful drive towards sensuousness.

Your Actual Problem
Anxiety and a restless dissatisfaction, either with circumstances or with unfulfilled emotional needs, have produced considerable stress. She tries to escape from these into a conflict-free security in which she can relax and recover.

color quiz

2005-12-16T09:01:00.000-08:00

Free personality analysis from ColorQuiz.com.Generated on Fri Dec 16 09:02:37 2005.
Your Existing Situation
Insecure. Seeks roots, stability, emotional security, and an environment providing greater ease and fewer problems.
Your Stress Sources
Feels that life has far more to offer and that it is imperative that she should find the responsive and understanding relationship she is seeking; she therefore follows up any opportunity which presents itself. However, she maintains her attitude of critical appraisal and refuses to be swept off her feet unless genuineness and integrity can be absolutely vouched for. Therefore keeps a strict and watchful control on her emotional relationships as she must know exactly where she stands. Demands complete sincerity as a protection against her own tendency to be too trusting.
Your Restrained Characteristics
Believes that she is not receiving her share--that she is neither properly understood nor adequately appreciated. Feels that she is being compelled to conform, and close relationships leave her without any sense of emotional involvement.
Your Desired Objective
Suffering from pent-up overstimulation which threatends to discharge itself in an outburst of impulsive and impassioned behavior.
Your Actual Problem
The fear that she might be prevented from achieving the things she wants drives her to the exploitation of all types of experience, so that she may categorically deny that any of them has any value. This destructive denigration becomes her method of concealing hopelessness and a profound sense of futility.
Your Actual Problem #2
Her natural ability to examine everything with critical discrimination has been distorted into an attitude of harsh disapproval, which opposes and denigrates without regard to the real facts.

Woman

2005-12-02T06:03:00.000-08:00

she wanted to be a blade
of grass amid the fields
but he wouldn't agree
to be the dandelion

she wanted to be a robin singing
through the leaves
but he refused to be
her tree

she spun herself into a web
and looking for a place to
rest
turned to him
but he stood straight
declining to be her corner

she tried to be a book
but he wouldn't read

she turned herself into a bulb
but he wouldn't let her grow

she decided to become
a woman
and though he still refused
to be a man
she decided it was all
right

~nikki giovanni

Some Me of Beauty

2005-11-29T15:15:00.000-08:00

the fact is

That I don't hate any body
Any more

I went through my
Mean period
If you remember
I spit
out nails
Chewed tobacco on
The paper
And dipped some bad snuff.

But in one year
Just like I woke up one
Morning and
Saw my mothers head
Gray
And I asked myself could it
Have turned
Overnight?
Knowing full well grayness
Had been
Coming and had even
Been there
Awhile

Just like that I woke up one
Morning
And looked at myself
And what I saw was
Carolyn
Not imani ma jua or soul
Sistah poetess of
The moment
I saw more than a "sister"
I saw a woman. Human and
Black.
I felt a spiritual
Transformation
A root revival of
Love
And I knew that many
Things
Were Over
And some me of
Beauty
Was
About to begin.

I have seen many versions of this poem on the internet. However this is the original authentic version taken from How I Got Ovah. The others I think emerged from a misquote Oprah did on her show a couple of years ago. Anyway this poem brings a lump to my throat everytime I read it. It is my favorite and I figured it was about time I posted it.

something better than nothing?

2005-11-18T10:16:00.000-08:00

Okay so this week has been kinda hard. I've been feeling very emotional. I can blame some of it on my hormones but the rest is plain ole me! I have issues. Everyone does I guess but mine have really been surfacing this week. I cried this week. I mean I really bawled, bent over, cant breathe, cant see, stomach clenching kinda crying. Two days in a row! If you knew me you would know how unusual that is. But I really felt better afterwards. So heres the story..in a nutshell. My stepdad pissed me off. He offered me something then when I accepted it he took it back. This is a recurring issue with mystepfather and I and I am so hurt. See its not the fact that I'm not getting the thing that he offered me because its something I could (and have) get for myself its the principal behind it. Every time he does this its like hes making sure that I realize and remember that he is not my father. I used to be really close to my stepfather. He is a teacher and is really good with kids. He taught me how to read, he would tell us exciting Bra' Nancy stories, and teach us games he played growing up in the country in Jamaica. He would step in and protect us when my mom would go overboard with beatings, and he was the one who broke the news to me when my real daddy died. But after a while he changed. He was mean , cold, and distant. Impatient and short tempered. Apparently he and my mom were having problems and he was feeling differently about his new family. I remember asking my mother what was wrong with him and she told me plain out" Dad says he thought he had room in his heart to love all of us but he was wrong. He says he only has room for his daughter". While I should have been crushed I wasnt. I was understanding. It made sense. We were not his kids now he has his own kid and she comes first. Totally logical and I figured there would be some love or attention left over for me and my older sister. Hey something was better than nothing right. So I would just wait for my turn. So as we got older he would find ways to draw that line between a father and a stepfather. For example I wanted a car when I graduated from college. I went to two private out of state colleges and my parents paid a totall of $465 for my college education (which I got backin the form of a refund check shhh!) I took and paid for my own driving lessons. My step father never, ever, helped me and he is the only other person in my family who can drive but he did tell me that when I'm ready to buy a car he would match whatever I save. So shortly after graduation I found a car that I liked it cost $2000 and I had a little more than $2000. So I could have bought it by myself but I would have been broke for the next 6 months I was living on my own and couldnt let that happen so he gave me $1000. I was happy. I was so grateful and it made me feel warm and fuzzy inside to be able to say my dad helped me buy my first car as my graduation gift. Okay so why was he calling me 3 months later asking me where his money was. I told him I thought it was a gift. His exact words were " why would I give YOU $1000? what would make YOU think that I would GIVE you that kind of money?" Okay did I mention that he and my mom have been together for over 22 years. I was only 3 when they met. So what would give me that idea? I really dont know! Anyway that was one of the less painful examples of ways that I have felt rejected by him. What I learned from growing up in this environment was that you can love some people but not to hard and not to close because to them you are only an "extra". This has translated into my love life. Almost every person that I have been with has had someone or something that comes before me. Its something they tell me from the beginning and my dumb, desperate, lonely ass accepts it. Whether its a job, kid, babys mother, basketball, or even a significant other (yes, yes, i know!) So this week with all that stuff with my stepfather coming up I have been feeling really sad, lonely, and tense. I'm also realizing that I have someone new in my life that as fabulous as they are.. represents the same thing for me. ugh. Its so sad. And I think realize is the wrong word. I knew this. I knew from the beginning that I would feel this way. So the problem is really with me. The thing is I think this is as good as it gets..at least for me. Something is better than nothing....right?

Food for Thought

2005-11-11T13:18:00.000-08:00

you understand how
very often
you are
the one
who creates the traps you fall into

the thing that destroys a person/a people
is not the knowing
but the knowing and not
doing

strange
how we women
know
when a man
leaves us-
even when
he's still
with us...

when you need
give

it is not ugly to dream in life
but it is ugly to make life a dream

i wonder if
the sunrays are like the fingertips of
God?

~Carolyn M. Rodgers

2005-11-11T10:05:00.000-08:00

Some bright morning when this life is over, I'll fly away
To a land on God's celestial shore, I'll fly away

When the shadows of this life have grown, I'll fly away
Like a bird from these prison walls, I'll fly away

TOP 10 Reasons Why I Smoke!

2005-11-10T10:26:00.000-08:00

1. The fact that I have a master’s degree yet I'm living paycheck to paycheck.

2.The fact that I can count on one hand the number of kisses I have had all year.

3. The fact that I had to pull over last night in the rain and tie my windshield wiper down with a piece of a rubber glove because the gum I used earlier stopped working.

4. The pile of papers on my desk, the never ending phone calls, the lying ass clients, and the sneaky, backstabbing, ghetto coworkers I deal with everyday.

5. The 70,000 dollars I now owe the government as a result of my education whichenabled me to get the lovely job I am at right now.

6. The fact that I get paid tomorrow and I'm sure that by Monday (if I act responsibly) I will have 100$ to my name.

7. The lack of a reliable source of attention, love, and affection in my life.

8. April 26, 2004 & the Atlanta Police Department.

9. Eric, Adam, Dexter,Mark,Keith,Alexean,Kevin, Rich, Jeanine, Mitzi, Lisa, Fetish, Keith#2, Shelly, Michelle, Tasha, Cheryl, Monica,Tammara, Eulie, Everton, Tiyi,Nicole, Nikole, Jaye, New York State Department of Taxation and Finance... all the people who have stressed me the fuck out or hurt my feeling this year... purposely or not! (very few names have been changed so yeah I'm talking about U!)

10. Because I really should have quit a long time ago!

Poem for Some Black Women

2005-11-09T16:47:00.000-08:00

i am lonely.
all the people i know
i know too well

there was comfort in that
at first but now
we know each others miseries
too well.

we are
lonely women, who spend time waiting for
occasional flings

we live with fear.
we are lonely.
we are talented, dedicated, well read
BLACK, COMMITTED,

we are lonely.

we understand the world of problems
Black women's problems with Black men
but all
we really understand is
lonely.

when we laugh,
we are so happy to laugh
we cry when we laugh
we are lonely.
we are busy people
always doing things
fearing getting trapped in rooms
loud with empty....
yet
knowing the music of silence/hating it/hoarding it
loving it/treasuring it,
it often birthing our creativity
we are lonely

being soft and being hard
supporting our selves, earning our own bread
soft/hard/hard/soft/
knowing that need must not show
will frighten away
knowing that we must
walk back-wards nonchalantly on our tip-toesssss
into
happiness,
if only for stingy moments

we know too much
we learn to understand everything,
to make too much sense out
of the world,
of pain
of lonely....

we buy clothes, we take trips,
we wish, we pray, we meditate, we curse, we crave, we coo, we caw,

we need ourselves sick, we need, we need
we lonely we grow tired of tears we grow tired of fear
we grow tired but must al-ways be soft and not too serious...
not too smart not too bitchy not to sapphire
not too dumb not too not too not too
a little less a little more
add here detract there
.lonely.

(my favorite poet in the whole wide world)~Carolyn M. Rodgers~

LOVE IS NOT ALL

2005-11-09T12:56:00.000-08:00

LOVE IS NOT ALL;IT IS NOT MEAT NOR DRINK
NOR SLUMBER NOR A ROOF AGAINST THE RAIN;
NOR YET A FLOATING SPAR TO MEN THAT SINK
AND RISE AND SINK AND RISE AND SINK AGAIN;
LOVE CAN NOT FILL THE THICKENED LUNG WITH BREATH,
NOR CLEAN THE BLOOD, NOR SET THE FRACTURED BONE;
YET MANY A MAN IS MAKING FRIENDS WITH DEATH
EVEN AS I SPEAK, FOR LACK OF LOVE ALONE.
IT WELL MAY BE THAT IN A DIFFICULT HOUR,
PINNED DOWN BY PAIN AND MOANING FOR RELEASE,
OR NAGGED BY WANT PAST RESOLUTION'S POWER,
I MIGHT BE DRIVEN TO SELL YOUR LOVE FOR PEACE,
OR TRADE THE MEMORY OF THIS NIGHT FOR FOOD.
IT WELL MAY BE. I DO NOT THINK I WOULD.
~EDNA ST.VINCENT MILLAY

(THIS WAS MY FAVORITE POEM FOR A LONG TIME. I FOUND IT IN HIGHSCHOOL AND I STILL REMEMBER IT WORD FOR WORD. IT REALLY SUMS UP MY CONFLICTING FEELING ABOUT THE L WORD)

I AM SAD :-(

2005-11-08T13:43:00.000-08:00

I NEED LOVE! SOME ALL MINE LOVE, SOME JUST FOR ME LOVE, SOME BABY YOU KNOW I'M NOT GOING NO WHERE LOVE, SOME FORGET EVERYBODY ELSE LOVE, SOME I CANT STAY MAD AT YOU LOVE, SOME WHAT I WOULDNT GIVE TO SNIFF BEHIND YOUR EAR LOVE, SOME LUV!

HOW CAN I WANT SOMETHING SO BAD BUT DETEST IT AT THE SAME TIME.? HELP ME!

FU*K THE POLICE

2005-11-08T06:23:00.000-08:00

Okay so I never had anything against the police in the past. But within the last 2 years I have had several run ins with the cops and they have all left a bad, bad taste in my mouth! Now let me clarify..I am not a criminal and in each of these incidents I was the one who actually called the police. So um Saturday I'm at the carwash and I'm talking on the phone while the guy puts armor all on my tires. All of a sudden a car swerves my way and something comes crashing down on my windshield. So I'm thinking what the fuck??? did this car just hit me? then I see a arm reaching up towards my window and I hear someone moaning loudly. This car just hit the carwash guy!!! I look up and the car which had slowed down is now going top speed away from the carwash! So now I'm really panincking I'm like Oh My God!! I hang up with my friend and call the police! The operator has the stinkest fucking attitude in the world. I tell her a taxi cab just ran over the carwash guy. I give them the address and they say theyre on the way. So like 15 min later a fire truck shows up. One by one these negros(theyre white though!) come up to me and say "so you hit him?", " how did you hit him?" " where was he when you hit him? I'm like "I didnt hit him" yall need to listen and go find the car that did. Long story short they proceed to ask the guy whats wrong?? Whats wrong?? He just got hit by a car!!! They tell him to relax and dont worry about what he got on him. Huh??? because his black and skinny hes carrying drugs, or guns.. like what part of the game is this? Finally they put him on a stretcher and take him away. So yeah its 30 min later and the cops still havent showed up. I called 911 again and I tell them I reported a hit and run a half an hour ago and no one is here. I'm the only witness and I have to go. The stink ass recovered(?) crack head on the phone tells me "well then leave"....oooh really ! So thats exactly what I did. The ambulance guy took my contact info and said he will pass it on to the police. Okay its been 48 hours and no one has contacted me. Protect and Serve my ass! FU* K THE POLICE!!

so i'm a whore huh?

2005-11-04T19:51:00.000-08:00

so um yesterday I decided to support a fellow coworker who has a on-the-side Astrology business. I ordered a natal chart which cost too much freaking money especially this week! Yeah so what had happened was...I was having an awful month. I felt like someone must be sitting somewhere with a little "me" doll and a butt load of pins cuz shit was crazy! So I ask this guy to do a chart for me. During our initial conversation he told me some things that were pretty on point. So I agreed to patronize him. So we make an appointment to meet after work to go over it in depth. Well my people long story short... I was born to be a whore, I am a whore and when I'm really old I may get married but it will be a difficult marriage since... yup I'm a whore. Okay so apparently my 5th house is crowded as hell and to loosely quote him if someone walked up to this house and peeked in the door they would take off running. I'm like really what a surprise!! lol. Okay so whats going on is not only is my venus in scorpio but my venus conjuncts with mars and uranus. Okay when I saw the symbols for Mars and Venus so close together (and highlighted) I already knew this chart was about to tell all my business! So he kept saying yeah your 5th house is a mess! Uranus and Mars are the last two planets you want to conjunct..then when they join with Venus..its a mess. So i'm like break it down..what are you trying to say. So hes still dodging. So I ask him what does Uranus do. His answer.. Uranus makes you...(he struggles for the word)....LOOSE and easy, open, available, nonchalant, free loving, very experimental, very unorthodox...ie..FREAKY. So then he goes to Mars.. mars makes you courageous, bold, brave ...about your freakiness. And then the fact that all of this is happening in scorpio which takes all the "loveliness and elegance" out of Venus makes it all sooo much worse. So yeah in a nutshell since the exact moment I was born I was "unfolding" into the superfreak that I now am! good to know!

I'm baaaaaaack!

2005-11-04T19:39:00.000-08:00

Hola mi gente!

I am a procrastinator! Can you tell? My last blog was umm 7 months ago! I have been overwhelmed with the never ending changes in my life. Initially I wanted to do this blog to anonymously tell the world about my life and my pain. But now I no longer feel that need. Well at least not the pain part. That may be a good thing..may not but we will find out. Okay so in the last week about 5 people have told me that I should write a book! Yeah apparently my life is that entertaining. I'm glad someone is pleased cause this shit is wearing me out. Sometimes I let myself look up to the sky and shout "Alright Already!!!" to God. I trust that he knows that I still love him despite my anger. I would thank a lovely new friend I made for motivating me to come back to this blog...but nah. I think blogs are weird. You dont want anyone who really knows you to read it right. Its like someone you know coming into the strip club that you work at. You suddenly feel shy! * Please note I have never worked in a strip club..honestly*. Anyway I realized this because as I was typing I'm thinking I need to change my style because this friend would know instantly that this is me. Why do I care? really?

greetings I bring from Jah

2005-04-21T11:10:00.000-07:00

Sigh! My first blog! I am soo new to this stuff. This blog will document my journey towards finding Some Me of Beauty! Its been a HARDDDD year, so so very hard. I am shocked that I am still alive and sane. More later....